*The Adoption Of Gabrian*

  On October 19, 2004, I gave birth to my handsome baby boy. I named him Gabrian. He was the light of my life. My whole entire world. I was just finishing up my junior year when he was born.  My boyfriend's mother, needed in home care, had a waiver program, and got to chose her own employees. She hired me to cook, clean, and help her around the house. I brought Gabrian to her house while I worked many times. Her son, my boyfriend at the time, signed his birth certificate.  I was trying to finish high school and get my degree. About 2 months before I would have graduated, I got either a letter or an email from the principal at the time telling me not to show up, because I was being kicked out for missing too many days.  I was upset, but there was nothing I could do.  I went to another high school and took my G.E.D. Test and got my G.E.D. Diploma about a month before I would have graduated regular high school.  If I had known how easy the test was going to be, I would have quit high school and taken it a long time before that. I hated school.

  At some point, my hours at work got cut, things with the boyfriend went South in a hurry, and I talked to a lawyer about domestic violence issues. I got some help and the courts ordered my boyfriend to take a DNA test even though he was on the birth certificate and he was not the father.  I never realized until now, how much hell I put that man through.  He was a good man trying to help me and take care of my son, even though he knew he wasn't his child. I was so stupid and childishly ignorant.  I asked my mother (for the record I call my mother the mother that raised me) to let me live with her until hours at work picked back up, because I couldn't afford my rent. She said no. I asked a friend and her mom and they let me live with them for a while. My mom and sister came to me one day, while I had Gabrian and my new boyfriend's child at the park and told me, "If you don't let your sister adopt him, you will never see him again, the state will take him away, because you are so young."   I believed them. I was young,naive, and stupid.  I couldn't stand the thought of not having my son.  I had never spent a night away from him and at this point he was about a year or so old. I agreed to let my sister adopt him. I did ask my sister for help with him, instead of her adopting him, but she said no.  So they took him into their home for a few days to "Try things out." I visited everyday.  It was tragic and horrific for me.  He cried when I left, I cried when I left.

  This is when I began to drink. I got a new boyfriend, who was bad. In and out of jail all the time, loved to party. I couldn't stop thinking about my son and didn't know what to do. I found solace in the bottle.  I would wake up in the morning and drink myself stupid until I passed out, which for even as often as I drank, was still only about 3-4 wine coolers, or beer.

  One seemingly sad, regular night of drinking, I woke up the next day.  Next to my boyfriends best friend...naked.  I was so ashamed and I didn't remember anything. I went into the living room where he was crying.  I said oh my god I am sure I cheated on you I am so sorry.  He very casually said to me, "you were passed out and I let some guys have sex with you."  I was angry and went home and told my mom.  She told me it was my fault for drinking and I believed her.  I checked myself into a psychiatric facility to get away from the people I was drinking around and for help.  I never did discuss the real root of my pain, not being with my son. I found out 6 weeks later I was pregnant, again. All I wanted was a family of my own. A place to fit in a feel like I belonged.  I didn't plan to have this many children in these ways. Life never goes as you plan.  To read about, my next daughter,read "The Story Of ILM."