Welcome to my blog. In it you will find many interesting things. I can't figure out how to get these blogs in the order they are designed to be in, so bear with me. Grab a cup of coffee, put on your listening cap, and enjoy. If you read them in the following order, they will make a LOT more sense.
~1. All About Me
~2. The Adoption Of Gabrian
~3.The Story of ILM
~4.Ashlyn's Story
~5.Ranee's Story
~6. Vanessa's Story
~7.Excerpts From Gabrian's Notebook
~8.Excerpts From ILM'S Notebook
~9.Excerpts From Ashlyn's Notebook
~10.Excerpts From Ranee's Notebook
~11.Excerpts From Vanessa's Notebook
~12.Ugly Truths About A Tubal
~13.Views From An Adoptive Child and Biological Mother
~14.Considering Adoption
~15. Biological Family/Views
~16.Adoptive Family/Views
Monday, January 14, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
*All About Me*
**For some reason my posts are in order backwards, to read them, read this one first. Then on the right side of the screen click on Gabrian's Adoption and that order is correct. This blog is meant to be sequential.**
Hello, readers, fans, and curious folks. My name is Amanda and I am 25 years old. I have/had 5 children. I had a tubal ligation at only 23 years old, that I now regret. I am going to blog my life story and it mostly centers around adoption and choices. I believe I am 100% responsible for my choices. A wise brother once told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now are going to effect you the rest of your life," I was 17 years old then. Too stupid to listen, but after all the heart ache, right and wrong decision making, I am still here.
I was adopted by my parents (whom I will not name, due to their privacy) when I was 2.5years old. I do not remember being adopted. What I was told was I was in the foster care system and taken away from my biological parents, because my mother could not take care of me properly. I found out I was adopted, because my mom and dad had their own children. My mom would introduce the family this is so and so and we adopted her. I never knew what adoption meant, I just knew it set me apart and that I was different. I never knew why my mother did that, but as I get older the only conclusion I can come up with is that my siblings (their children) are old enough to be my parents. In fact, I have great nieces and nephews.
Growing up, I had a "normal" childhood. I think I went to church too much, which made me grow to hate it. I was on average a pretty well behaved child. Then something in me, changed. I don't know how and I don't know why. I started acting out. I was almost 17 years old and I had enough. I started dating older boys and I started getting physically involved with boys. I asked my mom for birth control and she said no. I gave my mom the most grief out of all my family. I said things like "why did you ever adopt me if you hate me so much," etc. She seemed to have never given up on me.
I did find and meet my biological mother, father and my siblings. My question for her was that of any normal adopted child..."why" and "did you want me?" If you wish to read more in depth about this, please read my blog, that I will write later, called, "Biological Family."
I was planning on a fun summer with my friend, Holly. We were planning on taking new diet pills and exercising a lot to get in shape. My cycle was 1 day late and its never late. So, as a fluke I said maybe I should take a test. I took one that night at her house and it said positive. I didn't know what to think or feel at the time. We called one of my best guy friends, who we only did it with once, because I thought he would be there for me. He told me to get an abortion. I cried and my friend gave him hell on the phone. So, I called my ex boyfriend and he told me that he would help me raise the baby no matter what. The next day I sat my parents down and told them I was pregnant. My mother did not believe me. My father didn't talk to me much for a few days. A week or so later, I went to the doctor with my mom for a check up and the doctor told her I was pregnant. Her jaw hit the floor.
This leads me into the life of another adoption, my son. I will use his birth name, since his name has been slightly changed after he was adopted by my sister (my adoptive mother's daughter). If you are interested in reading, please, read my next blog, titled, "The Adoption Of Gabrian."
~Adoption is not about unwanted babies, its about unwanted mothers~ Also, a good site to check out is http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/index.html
Hello, readers, fans, and curious folks. My name is Amanda and I am 25 years old. I have/had 5 children. I had a tubal ligation at only 23 years old, that I now regret. I am going to blog my life story and it mostly centers around adoption and choices. I believe I am 100% responsible for my choices. A wise brother once told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now are going to effect you the rest of your life," I was 17 years old then. Too stupid to listen, but after all the heart ache, right and wrong decision making, I am still here.
I was adopted by my parents (whom I will not name, due to their privacy) when I was 2.5years old. I do not remember being adopted. What I was told was I was in the foster care system and taken away from my biological parents, because my mother could not take care of me properly. I found out I was adopted, because my mom and dad had their own children. My mom would introduce the family this is so and so and we adopted her. I never knew what adoption meant, I just knew it set me apart and that I was different. I never knew why my mother did that, but as I get older the only conclusion I can come up with is that my siblings (their children) are old enough to be my parents. In fact, I have great nieces and nephews.
Growing up, I had a "normal" childhood. I think I went to church too much, which made me grow to hate it. I was on average a pretty well behaved child. Then something in me, changed. I don't know how and I don't know why. I started acting out. I was almost 17 years old and I had enough. I started dating older boys and I started getting physically involved with boys. I asked my mom for birth control and she said no. I gave my mom the most grief out of all my family. I said things like "why did you ever adopt me if you hate me so much," etc. She seemed to have never given up on me.
I did find and meet my biological mother, father and my siblings. My question for her was that of any normal adopted child..."why" and "did you want me?" If you wish to read more in depth about this, please read my blog, that I will write later, called, "Biological Family."
I was planning on a fun summer with my friend, Holly. We were planning on taking new diet pills and exercising a lot to get in shape. My cycle was 1 day late and its never late. So, as a fluke I said maybe I should take a test. I took one that night at her house and it said positive. I didn't know what to think or feel at the time. We called one of my best guy friends, who we only did it with once, because I thought he would be there for me. He told me to get an abortion. I cried and my friend gave him hell on the phone. So, I called my ex boyfriend and he told me that he would help me raise the baby no matter what. The next day I sat my parents down and told them I was pregnant. My mother did not believe me. My father didn't talk to me much for a few days. A week or so later, I went to the doctor with my mom for a check up and the doctor told her I was pregnant. Her jaw hit the floor.
This leads me into the life of another adoption, my son. I will use his birth name, since his name has been slightly changed after he was adopted by my sister (my adoptive mother's daughter). If you are interested in reading, please, read my next blog, titled, "The Adoption Of Gabrian."
~Adoption is not about unwanted babies, its about unwanted mothers~ Also, a good site to check out is http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/index.html
*Ugly Truths Of A Tubal*
If you are following along with my blogs, thus far, then you have probably no question in your mind as to why I decided to have a tubal ligation in 2010. I was only 23 yrs old then and it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Here are some pieces of advice they won't give you, before you get it done...
1. Someday, in the future, say 3-5 years or so when you meet, the right guy for you and you two may want children.. it costs about $8,000 to get a tubal reversed and there is no guarantee that you can have another baby. Insurance will not pay for this. You must pay this BEFORE the doctor does the procedure.
2. No one tells you that it will make you feel like less of a woman. Like you can't do exactly what nature intended you to do. Like you can't do exactly what you were put on Earth to do as a woman.
3.No one will tell you when you get "baby fever" that every baby you see, makes you sad. Makes you feel in adequate. Makes you jealous of other moms. Makes you hate moms, who you deem, as not worthy of their babies.
4. No one tells you that you will still have your menstrual cycle. And it messes it up, bad. So sometimes you are early, sometimes you are late, etc.
5.If you are married and think that 100% for sure you don't want anymore kids, still don't do it. Because unfortunately sometimes people get divorced and re married and may or may not want another child.
6.Sometimes when you get gas, you also get hopeful that you are miraculously pregnant. Sorry just isn't likely.
7. I guess no one prepared me for the mental torment it could give me one day. I just said well, I am 23, with 5 kids and probably 0 chance of meeting Mr.Right, so I give up. I wish they would have just given me the shot or the IUD or something else, anything else.
8. Look up Tubal Ligation Syndrome on google. It is possible and I have these symptoms sometimes too.
Thanks for reading.
1. Someday, in the future, say 3-5 years or so when you meet, the right guy for you and you two may want children.. it costs about $8,000 to get a tubal reversed and there is no guarantee that you can have another baby. Insurance will not pay for this. You must pay this BEFORE the doctor does the procedure.
2. No one tells you that it will make you feel like less of a woman. Like you can't do exactly what nature intended you to do. Like you can't do exactly what you were put on Earth to do as a woman.
3.No one will tell you when you get "baby fever" that every baby you see, makes you sad. Makes you feel in adequate. Makes you jealous of other moms. Makes you hate moms, who you deem, as not worthy of their babies.
4. No one tells you that you will still have your menstrual cycle. And it messes it up, bad. So sometimes you are early, sometimes you are late, etc.
5.If you are married and think that 100% for sure you don't want anymore kids, still don't do it. Because unfortunately sometimes people get divorced and re married and may or may not want another child.
6.Sometimes when you get gas, you also get hopeful that you are miraculously pregnant. Sorry just isn't likely.
7. I guess no one prepared me for the mental torment it could give me one day. I just said well, I am 23, with 5 kids and probably 0 chance of meeting Mr.Right, so I give up. I wish they would have just given me the shot or the IUD or something else, anything else.
8. Look up Tubal Ligation Syndrome on google. It is possible and I have these symptoms sometimes too.
Thanks for reading.
*Excerpts From Vanessa's Notebook*
My last notebook is for Vanessa, my youngest child. I gave her dad full custody after fighting with him in court for 2 years. He is a horrible person, not just to me. This notebook is to her. This is the last notebook, I will have to write in, because I had a tubal ligation in 2010, at the age of 23, shortly after she was born. To read my views and what no one tells you, read my post, called.."Ugly Truths Of A Tubal." But, for now, sit back, get your coffee or tea and enjoy.
9-3-2011
"I love you. I miss you. You are pretty like a little doll. I have so many photos of you. I have never stopped thinking about you..."
6-3-2012
"I wanted to come see you on your birthday, last month. Your dad said, yes at first, but asked me to call him back in a couple of days. When I called him back, he said it was too late..."
9-1-2012
"I miss you. I talked to your real grandmother on the phone yesterday. She is doing okay, but she misses you. I asked your dad if I could come see you. He said no and that he was busy..."
9-25-2012
"I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see you. You are so precious. Your grandmother stays in contact with me periodically, but she hasn't seen you since the last time I brought you up to see her back in June 2011..."
10-11-2012
"I tried to keep asking your dad to come see you. He keeps saying he is busy..."
1-6-2013
"Hello doll. i hope you are doing okay. Sorry for all the complaining about your father. I hope you are doing okay..."
9-3-2011
"I love you. I miss you. You are pretty like a little doll. I have so many photos of you. I have never stopped thinking about you..."
6-3-2012
"I wanted to come see you on your birthday, last month. Your dad said, yes at first, but asked me to call him back in a couple of days. When I called him back, he said it was too late..."
9-1-2012
"I miss you. I talked to your real grandmother on the phone yesterday. She is doing okay, but she misses you. I asked your dad if I could come see you. He said no and that he was busy..."
9-25-2012
"I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see you. You are so precious. Your grandmother stays in contact with me periodically, but she hasn't seen you since the last time I brought you up to see her back in June 2011..."
10-11-2012
"I tried to keep asking your dad to come see you. He keeps saying he is busy..."
1-6-2013
"Hello doll. i hope you are doing okay. Sorry for all the complaining about your father. I hope you are doing okay..."
*Excerpts From Ranee's Notebook*
Ranee' is my little one, that I am currently raising. I am writing to her in a notebook, so she doesn't feel left out. She knows the notebook is her and insists on having me trace her cute little hand on it and coloring on it. Its almost going to be a book about her life and legacy. Here are some excerpts from her book...
09-1-2012
"Your notebook is different than your siblings.. not written in as much, because I, with the help of your grandparents and daddy, am raising you. I started this notebook, so you won't feel left out..."
9-25-2012
"You are going to pre school and you love it. You know all your colors, good job!..."
10-11-2012
"I had to have a talk with your teacher the other day. You bit a child on the finger. When I asked you why... you said, "She was in my space, taking my toy." You talk so big for your age. You have such spunk and you are so adorable..."
11-11-2012
"Sweetie pie. You keep trying to write in this notebook, because you know it is yours..."
09-1-2012
"Your notebook is different than your siblings.. not written in as much, because I, with the help of your grandparents and daddy, am raising you. I started this notebook, so you won't feel left out..."
9-25-2012
"You are going to pre school and you love it. You know all your colors, good job!..."
10-11-2012
"I had to have a talk with your teacher the other day. You bit a child on the finger. When I asked you why... you said, "She was in my space, taking my toy." You talk so big for your age. You have such spunk and you are so adorable..."
11-11-2012
"Sweetie pie. You keep trying to write in this notebook, because you know it is yours..."
*Excerpts From Ashlyn's Notebook*
If you are keeping up with my story, you will see that Ashlyn is with my ex husband. I gave up custody after lots of hard times. It is still painful to this day. His new wife has completely shoved me out of her life. I went through post pardon depression. And they have recently moved to the other side of the US. I keep a notebook for her, in case she ever hears about me, wants the truth, and wants to know why...
7-1-2008
"I love you baby girl! You were at my house over the weekend. We played with Gabrian, ILM, and your cousins, they were so glad to see you! You are growing so big. You are such a doll. You are only an inch shorter than ILM. I am going to take you to the fireworks Friday and daddy is taking you Saturday..."
8-16-2008
"I've been getting you most weekends. Your growing so good. I'm so proud of you.."
10-26-2008
" I keep dreaming about you. I miss you. I miss holding you at night and rocking you to sleep. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you. Why did I sign those papers, so L could adopt you? I would love to blame your dad, but its not his fault. I wasn't strong enough and I didn't think I was good enough..."
12-20-2008
"Daddy changed his number, so now I can't ask about you anymore. I hope you are doing okay. I really miss you. Christmas is coming soon..."
2-9-2009
"I thought a lot about you today. I had to talk to your daddy about our divorce. He's marrying your new mommy, in June. I wish I could visit you and see you. I miss you so MUCH!..."
8-30-2010
"I love you. I'm fighting in court Friday for visitation with you. I'm tired of being bullied into thinking, "I'm not good enough," to be your mom. I love you and I am good enough. I never stop thinking about you or loving you..."
3-6-2011
"You are no longer, legally my daughter. But to me..in every sense you are. I tried to fight for you so you could know me and your sisters. I was seeing you, for a while at your house. It was too painful. Your dad didn't allow me to tell you that I was your mother. In his eyes, I never way. I was even okay with telling you that you were lucky enough to have 2 mommies, who loved you. It was like I was right there with you and for you, but I couldn't be your mom. We even drew a picture of family together that I wanted to keep, but your new step mom, wouldn't let me have it. I stood in court, alone. Your dad brought 2 whole rows of his family to look down upon me. I remember telling the Judge how I was being alienated from you. But even he said I couldn't tell you I was your om. I gave up. I let your step mother..."
09-3-2011
"Hey. Are you doing okay? You are the hardest one of my children to write to. I just feel bad and don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you. I must have had that pregnancy depression right after I had you. Sometimes women get it and don't know about it until later. I was scared to hold you..."
1-6-2013
"Hello angel. How was your New Years? Good, I hope. I have found some new pictures of you..."
7-1-2008
"I love you baby girl! You were at my house over the weekend. We played with Gabrian, ILM, and your cousins, they were so glad to see you! You are growing so big. You are such a doll. You are only an inch shorter than ILM. I am going to take you to the fireworks Friday and daddy is taking you Saturday..."
8-16-2008
"I've been getting you most weekends. Your growing so good. I'm so proud of you.."
10-26-2008
" I keep dreaming about you. I miss you. I miss holding you at night and rocking you to sleep. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you. Why did I sign those papers, so L could adopt you? I would love to blame your dad, but its not his fault. I wasn't strong enough and I didn't think I was good enough..."
12-20-2008
"Daddy changed his number, so now I can't ask about you anymore. I hope you are doing okay. I really miss you. Christmas is coming soon..."
2-9-2009
"I thought a lot about you today. I had to talk to your daddy about our divorce. He's marrying your new mommy, in June. I wish I could visit you and see you. I miss you so MUCH!..."
8-30-2010
"I love you. I'm fighting in court Friday for visitation with you. I'm tired of being bullied into thinking, "I'm not good enough," to be your mom. I love you and I am good enough. I never stop thinking about you or loving you..."
3-6-2011
"You are no longer, legally my daughter. But to me..in every sense you are. I tried to fight for you so you could know me and your sisters. I was seeing you, for a while at your house. It was too painful. Your dad didn't allow me to tell you that I was your mother. In his eyes, I never way. I was even okay with telling you that you were lucky enough to have 2 mommies, who loved you. It was like I was right there with you and for you, but I couldn't be your mom. We even drew a picture of family together that I wanted to keep, but your new step mom, wouldn't let me have it. I stood in court, alone. Your dad brought 2 whole rows of his family to look down upon me. I remember telling the Judge how I was being alienated from you. But even he said I couldn't tell you I was your om. I gave up. I let your step mother..."
09-3-2011
"Hey. Are you doing okay? You are the hardest one of my children to write to. I just feel bad and don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you. I must have had that pregnancy depression right after I had you. Sometimes women get it and don't know about it until later. I was scared to hold you..."
1-6-2013
"Hello angel. How was your New Years? Good, I hope. I have found some new pictures of you..."
*Excerpts From ILM's Notebook*
If you guys have been keeping up with me, then you will know that my brother and sister-in-law adopted ILM. You will have also found out that I keep a notebook for her. In case, like me, she one days wants to find me and wants to know...why? Here are a few excerpts from her notebook...
6-1-2008
"Angel, princess...I love you more than anything in the world. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. You are 2 years old right now and you have so much charisma. You are so pretty. I am writing this to tell you about your biological family and to let you know I love you. Please don't feel rejected by me.."
6-4-2008
"I miss you. I want to tell you something about boys: 1 Never settle for anyone 2. Set boundaries for yourself and keep them 3.Never let a man put you down. You are priceless and brilliant..."
6-12-2008
" Hi. I miss you. I came home today and went swimming at your house with you. You didn't want me to leave it made me sad. I love you a LOT! There is no way you are going to forget me..."
6-21-2008
"I love you. I miss you. I don't think I will be coming to see you anymore. I don't belong with the (last name of my family) and I guess I never really did. They seem to love you...NOT as much as I love you in my heart, because no one could possibly love you this much..."
7-1-2008
"I guess I was a little upset in my last entry. I couldn't write off my family. I have to see you. I love you. I saw you yesterday and you are growing up so good!..."
10-26-2008
"Its been a long time since I have written you. I'm sorry and not just, because I haven't written you. I'm sorry that I didn't feel good enough to be your mom. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I love you. I haven't seen you in a long time..."
12-20-08
" I held you in the van the other day on the way to Grandma M&M's. You snuggled into me and I cried. I miss you so VERY MUCH! I'll never get over the pain of not having you and I will never stop loving you. You are going to do great things someday..."
4-24-2009
"Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl. You are so smart and happy. I miss you every second of everyday, but especially on your birthday. You are my princess. My first little girl. Your eyes light up a room. You have so MUCH charisma..."
5-26-2009
"My beautiful drama queen... I played with you and Gabrian at your cousin's engagement party. You are just a doll baby! Your so full of love and life. I started this out, "my drama queen," because your cup cake fell apart and you wigged out. It was the cutest thing ever. I carried you at the party, you are so fond of me. I was worried that you had forgotten how much I love you. It was fun spinning you and Gabrian in the yard..."
9-3-2011
"How are you? I am angry and sad. When your mom adopted you she said I could see you anytime. But I really can't. I am not welcome there..."
9-25-2012
"How are you doing? I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I wish I had more to write to you about. I wish I could see you more. I feel shut out of your life. I'm happy you get to grow up around your brother. Between you and I, I think he knows you are his sister. He talks about you and seems close to you..."
6-1-2008
"Angel, princess...I love you more than anything in the world. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. You are 2 years old right now and you have so much charisma. You are so pretty. I am writing this to tell you about your biological family and to let you know I love you. Please don't feel rejected by me.."
6-4-2008
"I miss you. I want to tell you something about boys: 1 Never settle for anyone 2. Set boundaries for yourself and keep them 3.Never let a man put you down. You are priceless and brilliant..."
6-12-2008
" Hi. I miss you. I came home today and went swimming at your house with you. You didn't want me to leave it made me sad. I love you a LOT! There is no way you are going to forget me..."
6-21-2008
"I love you. I miss you. I don't think I will be coming to see you anymore. I don't belong with the (last name of my family) and I guess I never really did. They seem to love you...NOT as much as I love you in my heart, because no one could possibly love you this much..."
7-1-2008
"I guess I was a little upset in my last entry. I couldn't write off my family. I have to see you. I love you. I saw you yesterday and you are growing up so good!..."
10-26-2008
"Its been a long time since I have written you. I'm sorry and not just, because I haven't written you. I'm sorry that I didn't feel good enough to be your mom. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I love you. I haven't seen you in a long time..."
12-20-08
" I held you in the van the other day on the way to Grandma M&M's. You snuggled into me and I cried. I miss you so VERY MUCH! I'll never get over the pain of not having you and I will never stop loving you. You are going to do great things someday..."
4-24-2009
"Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl. You are so smart and happy. I miss you every second of everyday, but especially on your birthday. You are my princess. My first little girl. Your eyes light up a room. You have so MUCH charisma..."
5-26-2009
"My beautiful drama queen... I played with you and Gabrian at your cousin's engagement party. You are just a doll baby! Your so full of love and life. I started this out, "my drama queen," because your cup cake fell apart and you wigged out. It was the cutest thing ever. I carried you at the party, you are so fond of me. I was worried that you had forgotten how much I love you. It was fun spinning you and Gabrian in the yard..."
9-3-2011
"How are you? I am angry and sad. When your mom adopted you she said I could see you anytime. But I really can't. I am not welcome there..."
9-25-2012
"How are you doing? I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I wish I had more to write to you about. I wish I could see you more. I feel shut out of your life. I'm happy you get to grow up around your brother. Between you and I, I think he knows you are his sister. He talks about you and seems close to you..."
*Biological Family/Birth Family*
Biological Family
I am the oldest. I was adopted out and taken by CYS when I was little, not sure the age. I was adopted officially at 2.5years old. When I was 17 yrs old, I started acting out and had to find my biological family. It was my mission. I always knew I was adopted. My adoptive mother would introduce her children and say and we adopted her. I never knew what that meant. Anyways, here is about my family and my maybe biased views, but I tell it like it is.
1. Amanda, (me), I am the oldest. All of these blogs tell my story. I am beginning to like myself and trying to blog to get everything out. I need to come to terms with my past, so I can move on and stop living in the past. My favorite quote is, "God doesn't love me enough to kill me." :-)
2.Aaron (my brother is second to oldest, I changed his name for his privacy). He was adopted by a nice family about 1.5hrs away from where I grew up. I met him. His family seemed great and has done a lot of great work with him. He looks like my biological uncles. He is nice, we don't talk to much. He is usually busy gaming and things sorts of things.
3.Sue Anne (not her present name, is 3rd oldest). I met her and she grew up and was raised about 1hr away from me. She looks like our biological mother's replica. When I talk to her on the phone she sounds exactly the same. Its strange. I talk to her every now and again, but she doesn't get normal things. Example, if she writes me a letter, she will invite me to do something, but it will be the next day. She doesn't get the concept of the real world and the Post Office, obviously needing time to deliver the mail, etc. Not her fault, she was sheltered.
4.JJ(My baby sister, not her name, due to her privacy). I met her and we clicked instantly. She was raised by our biological mother. In a way, she is a lot like me. We are very close. We even had poetry on the same website. She is one of the few females in the world that I can stand. I am glad I found her. I wish she would have a touch more confidence in herself though:-)
5. Biological father. Well I said I was going to be honest. He has a temper. He is crafty, sneaky, and smart, but he doesn't put his wits to good use. He drinks entirely too much. He is inappropriate with women. I don't trust him, but he doesn't lie to me and I respect him for that.
6.Biological mother. Red hair and super pretty bluish grey eyes. She has a heart of gold. She would give you the shirt off her back. Much like Sue Anne she doesn't see things in the real world. She is sweet, but she doesn't get it. When she talks to me she trails off a lot. A lot of things happened to her and a lot of people took and still take advantage of her.
7. I have some biological cousins. Some of them are very jealous and rude, because they don't like me being close and bonding with my family. There are haters everywhere. I no longer care about people who don't care about me.
~I always had this crazy notion that when I found my biological parents...they were going to be these amazing perfect people who gave me up, because of a bad circumstance. They are decent people, but my Mary Poppins image of them was, sadly, shattered.
I am the oldest. I was adopted out and taken by CYS when I was little, not sure the age. I was adopted officially at 2.5years old. When I was 17 yrs old, I started acting out and had to find my biological family. It was my mission. I always knew I was adopted. My adoptive mother would introduce her children and say and we adopted her. I never knew what that meant. Anyways, here is about my family and my maybe biased views, but I tell it like it is.
1. Amanda, (me), I am the oldest. All of these blogs tell my story. I am beginning to like myself and trying to blog to get everything out. I need to come to terms with my past, so I can move on and stop living in the past. My favorite quote is, "God doesn't love me enough to kill me." :-)
2.Aaron (my brother is second to oldest, I changed his name for his privacy). He was adopted by a nice family about 1.5hrs away from where I grew up. I met him. His family seemed great and has done a lot of great work with him. He looks like my biological uncles. He is nice, we don't talk to much. He is usually busy gaming and things sorts of things.
3.Sue Anne (not her present name, is 3rd oldest). I met her and she grew up and was raised about 1hr away from me. She looks like our biological mother's replica. When I talk to her on the phone she sounds exactly the same. Its strange. I talk to her every now and again, but she doesn't get normal things. Example, if she writes me a letter, she will invite me to do something, but it will be the next day. She doesn't get the concept of the real world and the Post Office, obviously needing time to deliver the mail, etc. Not her fault, she was sheltered.
4.JJ(My baby sister, not her name, due to her privacy). I met her and we clicked instantly. She was raised by our biological mother. In a way, she is a lot like me. We are very close. We even had poetry on the same website. She is one of the few females in the world that I can stand. I am glad I found her. I wish she would have a touch more confidence in herself though:-)
5. Biological father. Well I said I was going to be honest. He has a temper. He is crafty, sneaky, and smart, but he doesn't put his wits to good use. He drinks entirely too much. He is inappropriate with women. I don't trust him, but he doesn't lie to me and I respect him for that.
6.Biological mother. Red hair and super pretty bluish grey eyes. She has a heart of gold. She would give you the shirt off her back. Much like Sue Anne she doesn't see things in the real world. She is sweet, but she doesn't get it. When she talks to me she trails off a lot. A lot of things happened to her and a lot of people took and still take advantage of her.
7. I have some biological cousins. Some of them are very jealous and rude, because they don't like me being close and bonding with my family. There are haters everywhere. I no longer care about people who don't care about me.
~I always had this crazy notion that when I found my biological parents...they were going to be these amazing perfect people who gave me up, because of a bad circumstance. They are decent people, but my Mary Poppins image of them was, sadly, shattered.
Friday, January 11, 2013
*Excerpts From Gabrian's Notebook*
Excerpts From Gabrian's Notebook
If you have been keeping up with me and reading all my posts, you will know that my older sister, adopted my son Gabrian, when I was 17 years old. You will also know that its painful for me and I miss him every moment he is away. I don't know how to deal some days and I write in a notebook, just for him, in case, one day, he comes looking for me. Here are some experts from this notebook...
6-1-2008
"I love you. I knew I loved you the moment you were born. I never have and never will stop loving you. I've missed you every day. Today, I have decided to write you letters as often as I can. Some days are harder than others. Please don't feel rejected by me. I wanted the best for you. I wish I could have been strong enough to be your mom. I gave birth to you on October 19, 2004..."
6-21-2008
"I miss you. I love you . I want the best for you. i don't think I am going to come see you anymore. I wanted to take you, Beth, and Amber to the carnival today. But no one seems to trust me. They won't even let me be an Aunt to you..."
7-1-2008
"I couldn't stand not seeing you. I saw you today and we walked to the Post Office and got you some candy..."
10-26-2008
"I can't believe you are already 4! You are growing so fast and time is flying. You are smart and coming into your own personality. I am amazed at how good you are with computers..."
12-23-2008
"You have a good life and a great family. I am happy and grateful for that..."
9-17-2009
"You are such a smart boy. Witty too. You love Ranee'. You always ask me where she is if she is at her daddy's house. You love school. I am proud of you."
7-25-2011
"I love you. I miss you. Your playing T-Ball now and you are really good at batting!...."
6-3-2012
" I saw you and ILM at Beth's graduation party, yesterday. Your mom and I weren't talking fora while, because she thinks I told you that I am your mom..."
9-1-2012
"Hey. I went to your T-Ball Game and you got your pictures taken. You are the tallest boy in your class. I just want you to know I love you. No matter what you do in your life or where you go. I am proud of you!..."
1-6-2013
"Hello! I hope your New Years went well. I love you! I miss you..."
~There are a lot more writings and excerpts, but this is just a sample.~
If you have been keeping up with me and reading all my posts, you will know that my older sister, adopted my son Gabrian, when I was 17 years old. You will also know that its painful for me and I miss him every moment he is away. I don't know how to deal some days and I write in a notebook, just for him, in case, one day, he comes looking for me. Here are some experts from this notebook...
6-1-2008
"I love you. I knew I loved you the moment you were born. I never have and never will stop loving you. I've missed you every day. Today, I have decided to write you letters as often as I can. Some days are harder than others. Please don't feel rejected by me. I wanted the best for you. I wish I could have been strong enough to be your mom. I gave birth to you on October 19, 2004..."
6-21-2008
"I miss you. I love you . I want the best for you. i don't think I am going to come see you anymore. I wanted to take you, Beth, and Amber to the carnival today. But no one seems to trust me. They won't even let me be an Aunt to you..."
7-1-2008
"I couldn't stand not seeing you. I saw you today and we walked to the Post Office and got you some candy..."
10-26-2008
"I can't believe you are already 4! You are growing so fast and time is flying. You are smart and coming into your own personality. I am amazed at how good you are with computers..."
12-23-2008
"You have a good life and a great family. I am happy and grateful for that..."
9-17-2009
"You are such a smart boy. Witty too. You love Ranee'. You always ask me where she is if she is at her daddy's house. You love school. I am proud of you."
7-25-2011
"I love you. I miss you. Your playing T-Ball now and you are really good at batting!...."
6-3-2012
" I saw you and ILM at Beth's graduation party, yesterday. Your mom and I weren't talking fora while, because she thinks I told you that I am your mom..."
9-1-2012
"Hey. I went to your T-Ball Game and you got your pictures taken. You are the tallest boy in your class. I just want you to know I love you. No matter what you do in your life or where you go. I am proud of you!..."
1-6-2013
"Hello! I hope your New Years went well. I love you! I miss you..."
~There are a lot more writings and excerpts, but this is just a sample.~
*Views From Adoptive Child AND "Birth Mother"*
Tid Bits Of My Feelings On Adoption
If you have read all of my blogs, thus far, under Adoption Truths, you will be wondering, what does all this have to do exactly with adoption? Well my answer is everything. I have read all the websites that tell "birth mothers" what a wonderful decision they are making. The same sites are telling "Adoptive parents" what a difference they are making. Here are some truths that ring true for me, that no one will tell you. How do I know? I was adopted and I gave up children for adoption.
From the Adopted Child's View
~Adoptive Family~
Your experience could be different from mine. I think it is based on how you go about telling your child they were adopted. As young as I was, part of me wishes I would have been fully accepted by my parents and never told. Or if they told me, that they told me when I was old enough to understand, not introduce the kids and single me out, "We adopted her."
I didn't really fit in with my siblings. They didn't really accept me. My mother tried to use religion to raise me instead of being a parent. I think by the time she got to me, she was done raising kids. I had 4 older brothers and 1 older sister.
My older sister, who adopted my son, (I will call her B to protect her privacy) and I got into a huge fight and have periodically, since she adopted my son. Her daughter had a child (she was/is married, has a job, etc) and B quit her job to take care of her grand daughter. They had a ton of family in the area who would have watched my great niece. I was so hurt and told me sister," maybe if I was your blood sister, you would have helped me raise my son instead of taking him away from me". You quit your job to raise your grandchild. This caused quite an up roar in my sister, since I originally posted it on facebook, publicly. She answered with a you never asked for help, line of stuff. Whatever helps her sleep at night. Through it all though I never really did fit in with this family. I will go visit her and we stand outside her house and talk for a while, never invites me in. And I see my son, he calls me, "Aunt Amanda" and we sometimes play catch or talk about T-Ball, etc. I can say though she has made good on her word to tell him he was adopted when he is old enough to understand.
My sister in law, ILM's mother, said they would tell ILM when she was older that she was adopted and that I could see her when ever I wanted. She never welcomed me into her home. After, she told me she was never going to tell ILM that she was adopted. Its a small town, so I am sure that word will get around to her eventually. In fact, one of her cousins told her she was adopted and didn't come from her mommy's tummy. They thought I did and were furious with me. I didn't and they later found out with no apology to me.
~Biological Family~
There is a lot of pain in my biological mother's eyes. I can't ask her if she wanted me, I know she did. She is mentally slow and could not take care of me. I was angry at her for years for not giving me up to have a better life, that the State had to take me away from her. But you can't blame a person for a disability that they can not help. And she didn't give me up, because she loved me. She tried her best.
My biological father is something. He is an alcoholic and was in and out of jail a lot. When I look at him, I have his nose. I have his temper and attitude.
Two of my siblings, I am decently close to...we talk once in a while. But my youngest sister...we are very close. I moved to her town about 6 months ago to be closer to her. She is a strong, brave, woman. To me, she is what a real sister is...the kind of sister who you can show up at her house in the middle of the night if you are upset or the sister that just pops by to have tea. You are never a bother to this sister. The sister I can have disagreements with and be best friends the next day. The sister that doesn't always agree with my choices, but chooses to love me, no matter what. That is what family is, point blank, end of story, they should accept you flaws and all.
~Ex Husband/Tony having Vanessa~
I recently wrote a facebook message to my ex husband's new wife. They currently moved to Colorado, because his company moved their call center out there. I am having a hard time with not seeing her and wonder how Ashlyn is doing. I got the "what the hell do you want and you have no reason to contact me." So this is my letter to her, "Okay well you have my daughter so I was wondering if the move went okay. If she was doing okay, etc. That's all. I was wondering how you sleep at night, saying you lover her, looking into her eyes, knowing you forced her mom out of her life. One day you will have to explain that to her. Do you know how hard it was for me to come see her and have to ask you permission to even make rice crispy treats with her...to have to ask YOUR PERMISSION, to paint her toe nails. I get that I wasn't always there for her like I should have been and for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for the way things happened, but I think about her all the time and I miss her. I know you don't care, but if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want someone to take your child and treat you that way? I don't understand why I can't ask you about her once in a while. Why don't you step outside of yourself and think about it for one minute and think how you would feel if you were in Ashlyn's shoes. I know you love her. I know you are a great mother to her. I just want you to know where I am coming from. I get that you think I want to bother you or intrude on your life, I really don't. And if you write me back an bitch me out, then that's fine. I appreciate you being there for her, when I wasn't and should have been, I honestly thank you. So, I don't know what else to say, I will leave you alone. Have a good life." With no response, just blocked me.
I miss Vanessa dearly and Ranee', whom I am raising always says we need to get Gabby back. Tony took my sister and he is a bad Tony. And I miss her too. He is so hard to deal with and makes no sense. He told me he has been "more than fair with me," and I told him I haven't seen her since Christmas 2011, a little over a year now and that I still had visitation I could enforce. He told me talk to a lawyer and I would be paying support soon. Real great guy:(
~So my feeling, is.. I don't fit in anywhere.
* My adoptive parent's/family treated me differently from their children. Example; my mother still to this day says, "Your sister deserved a son." (My sister had 3 girls). My sister, her husband, and 3 girls lived with us for most of my life growing up. Our mother watched the kids while my sister and her husband worked...why couldn't she watch my son while I attended school? After my sister adopted Gabrian, my parents would watch him and pick him up after school!?!?!?! My brother and sister-in-law never allow me to come into their home and are awkward and rude when I go and attempt to see my daughter, even as "Aunt Amanda."
* My biological family doesn't know exactly how to talk to me. I think my mom has a lot of guilt maybe even anger towards my adoptive family. I recently wrote my biological cousin, whom I will call (Jess to protect her privacy), when my sister and I had a disagreement. I wrote her and asked her how to apologize and talk to my sister. I got a pretty nasty message stating that I am her only "real sister" (in quotes a lot) and "I've known her since she was born, we grew up together. I get her and she gets me. We're really close and I don't want anything to jeopardize that." So I think there was some jealously issues happening there. My biological father is a mess and told me and my sister, that we are so pretty and if we weren't his daughter's blah blah blah... followed by a lot of uncomfortable hugging and butt patting:-(
From The Birth Mother's View
You will never stop thinking about your child, after they are gone. Even if they are in a loving home with structure. Every birthday, every Christmas, and some holidays will tear you up. When you get to see them, its like you are lying to them. When you are away from them you feel guilt for not being there. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't think about your child/children. You will sit endless, sleepless nights, beating yourself up with the "What ifs." What if I had gotten two jobs, worked harder, not been so naive, etc.. How do you deal with something this emotional? How do you recover? How do you heal? The answer is, I have no idea. Gabrian will be 9 years old in October and I still can't get over it. I keep notebooks, for each one of my children, in hopes that one day, they will want to find me and I will have answers. I miss them all the time, but when its really hard, I write to them in journals and tell them, hey I love you, your not unwanted, etc..
If you are interested in reading some of he excerpts from these notebooks, I have more blogs..
If you have read all of my blogs, thus far, under Adoption Truths, you will be wondering, what does all this have to do exactly with adoption? Well my answer is everything. I have read all the websites that tell "birth mothers" what a wonderful decision they are making. The same sites are telling "Adoptive parents" what a difference they are making. Here are some truths that ring true for me, that no one will tell you. How do I know? I was adopted and I gave up children for adoption.
From the Adopted Child's View
~Adoptive Family~
Your experience could be different from mine. I think it is based on how you go about telling your child they were adopted. As young as I was, part of me wishes I would have been fully accepted by my parents and never told. Or if they told me, that they told me when I was old enough to understand, not introduce the kids and single me out, "We adopted her."
I didn't really fit in with my siblings. They didn't really accept me. My mother tried to use religion to raise me instead of being a parent. I think by the time she got to me, she was done raising kids. I had 4 older brothers and 1 older sister.
My older sister, who adopted my son, (I will call her B to protect her privacy) and I got into a huge fight and have periodically, since she adopted my son. Her daughter had a child (she was/is married, has a job, etc) and B quit her job to take care of her grand daughter. They had a ton of family in the area who would have watched my great niece. I was so hurt and told me sister," maybe if I was your blood sister, you would have helped me raise my son instead of taking him away from me". You quit your job to raise your grandchild. This caused quite an up roar in my sister, since I originally posted it on facebook, publicly. She answered with a you never asked for help, line of stuff. Whatever helps her sleep at night. Through it all though I never really did fit in with this family. I will go visit her and we stand outside her house and talk for a while, never invites me in. And I see my son, he calls me, "Aunt Amanda" and we sometimes play catch or talk about T-Ball, etc. I can say though she has made good on her word to tell him he was adopted when he is old enough to understand.
My sister in law, ILM's mother, said they would tell ILM when she was older that she was adopted and that I could see her when ever I wanted. She never welcomed me into her home. After, she told me she was never going to tell ILM that she was adopted. Its a small town, so I am sure that word will get around to her eventually. In fact, one of her cousins told her she was adopted and didn't come from her mommy's tummy. They thought I did and were furious with me. I didn't and they later found out with no apology to me.
~Biological Family~
There is a lot of pain in my biological mother's eyes. I can't ask her if she wanted me, I know she did. She is mentally slow and could not take care of me. I was angry at her for years for not giving me up to have a better life, that the State had to take me away from her. But you can't blame a person for a disability that they can not help. And she didn't give me up, because she loved me. She tried her best.
My biological father is something. He is an alcoholic and was in and out of jail a lot. When I look at him, I have his nose. I have his temper and attitude.
Two of my siblings, I am decently close to...we talk once in a while. But my youngest sister...we are very close. I moved to her town about 6 months ago to be closer to her. She is a strong, brave, woman. To me, she is what a real sister is...the kind of sister who you can show up at her house in the middle of the night if you are upset or the sister that just pops by to have tea. You are never a bother to this sister. The sister I can have disagreements with and be best friends the next day. The sister that doesn't always agree with my choices, but chooses to love me, no matter what. That is what family is, point blank, end of story, they should accept you flaws and all.
~Ex Husband/Tony having Vanessa~
I recently wrote a facebook message to my ex husband's new wife. They currently moved to Colorado, because his company moved their call center out there. I am having a hard time with not seeing her and wonder how Ashlyn is doing. I got the "what the hell do you want and you have no reason to contact me." So this is my letter to her, "Okay well you have my daughter so I was wondering if the move went okay. If she was doing okay, etc. That's all. I was wondering how you sleep at night, saying you lover her, looking into her eyes, knowing you forced her mom out of her life. One day you will have to explain that to her. Do you know how hard it was for me to come see her and have to ask you permission to even make rice crispy treats with her...to have to ask YOUR PERMISSION, to paint her toe nails. I get that I wasn't always there for her like I should have been and for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for the way things happened, but I think about her all the time and I miss her. I know you don't care, but if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want someone to take your child and treat you that way? I don't understand why I can't ask you about her once in a while. Why don't you step outside of yourself and think about it for one minute and think how you would feel if you were in Ashlyn's shoes. I know you love her. I know you are a great mother to her. I just want you to know where I am coming from. I get that you think I want to bother you or intrude on your life, I really don't. And if you write me back an bitch me out, then that's fine. I appreciate you being there for her, when I wasn't and should have been, I honestly thank you. So, I don't know what else to say, I will leave you alone. Have a good life." With no response, just blocked me.
I miss Vanessa dearly and Ranee', whom I am raising always says we need to get Gabby back. Tony took my sister and he is a bad Tony. And I miss her too. He is so hard to deal with and makes no sense. He told me he has been "more than fair with me," and I told him I haven't seen her since Christmas 2011, a little over a year now and that I still had visitation I could enforce. He told me talk to a lawyer and I would be paying support soon. Real great guy:(
~So my feeling, is.. I don't fit in anywhere.
* My adoptive parent's/family treated me differently from their children. Example; my mother still to this day says, "Your sister deserved a son." (My sister had 3 girls). My sister, her husband, and 3 girls lived with us for most of my life growing up. Our mother watched the kids while my sister and her husband worked...why couldn't she watch my son while I attended school? After my sister adopted Gabrian, my parents would watch him and pick him up after school!?!?!?! My brother and sister-in-law never allow me to come into their home and are awkward and rude when I go and attempt to see my daughter, even as "Aunt Amanda."
* My biological family doesn't know exactly how to talk to me. I think my mom has a lot of guilt maybe even anger towards my adoptive family. I recently wrote my biological cousin, whom I will call (Jess to protect her privacy), when my sister and I had a disagreement. I wrote her and asked her how to apologize and talk to my sister. I got a pretty nasty message stating that I am her only "real sister" (in quotes a lot) and "I've known her since she was born, we grew up together. I get her and she gets me. We're really close and I don't want anything to jeopardize that." So I think there was some jealously issues happening there. My biological father is a mess and told me and my sister, that we are so pretty and if we weren't his daughter's blah blah blah... followed by a lot of uncomfortable hugging and butt patting:-(
From The Birth Mother's View
You will never stop thinking about your child, after they are gone. Even if they are in a loving home with structure. Every birthday, every Christmas, and some holidays will tear you up. When you get to see them, its like you are lying to them. When you are away from them you feel guilt for not being there. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't think about your child/children. You will sit endless, sleepless nights, beating yourself up with the "What ifs." What if I had gotten two jobs, worked harder, not been so naive, etc.. How do you deal with something this emotional? How do you recover? How do you heal? The answer is, I have no idea. Gabrian will be 9 years old in October and I still can't get over it. I keep notebooks, for each one of my children, in hopes that one day, they will want to find me and I will have answers. I miss them all the time, but when its really hard, I write to them in journals and tell them, hey I love you, your not unwanted, etc..
If you are interested in reading some of he excerpts from these notebooks, I have more blogs..
*Vanessa's Story*
I apologize in advance, this story isn't all about Vanessa. It is a lot about court and her father, etc. I am still pretty bitter, in this case, so forgive me, if I can't stay on topic.
Tony and I were not getting along very well, because of his controlling ways and my cheating. A few weeks before Vanessa was born, her dad told me, "sometimes boyfriends kill their girlfriends and cut their babies out." That was enough. I went to the Domestic Violence place and filed for a PFA (Protection From Abuse Order). Shortly there after, she was born.
Vanessa was born on May 6, 2010. I gave birth to her myself with no family around. I was scheduled to be induced on the 6 sometime in the afternoon. I came into the hospital the night before, because the power was out and this being my 5th child, I did NOT want to give birth at home. So, I came in, took a shower, hung out, and went to sleep. I had a few pains, nothing major. When the doctor came in, he checked me and said its almost time to push...Excuse me? I need an IV, meds, etc.. no time. So in about 1 hour she was born. She was the sweetest little doll. My mom came about half an hour after she was born, thinking it was induction time and I said no, she is over there. That day I called Tony's mother and told her the news. I was close with her, because she watched Alyssa for me a few times. She was a very caring, sweet woman. I think and thought of her as another mom. I went to her advice. She said it was important for me to let Tony see Vanessa and convinced me to do so. So, with a sheriff present, I allowed him to come into my hospital room to see the baby. He didn't want to hold her. He was screaming in my face telling me it wasn't his baby, it was a "Chinese baby." The next day, he had a Sheriff serve me a ridiculous custody paper and I had just gotten out of the operating room, from my tubal ligation. He was mad about my tubal, because he wanted me to have more kids with him. He is a nutter!!!
Tony was the worst kind of stalker, person. We broke up, several times. The one time we broke up, he bought a house a block away from my parent's house. He tried to bring me a nice red Jaguar car for Christmas, when we weren't together. I told him I didn't want to be with him and I didn't want his car. I may have been the only person he couldn't buy with money. He learned about my whole past with my kids and tried to use it against me. He insisted on meeting my biological parents, so he "could see what our daughter may look like." Then said I hang out with "people who got their kids taken away by CPS."
This started my whole episode of 2 years of court. He tried to sue me 2 times for half a million dollars each, you can't get blood from a turnip. He used the court system to harass me and scare me into giving him more custody. We went through a home study,psyhc evaluation (this included MMPI Parenting Assesment), criminal record checks, etc. His Psych. evaluation came back horrible. He tried to get the doctor's license taken away, because he was "Racist." He fought me on everything, including her name. He said that Gabriella was a "degrading white name."
We were in court about 3 times a week. He would bring Contempt Of Court charges against me, that were dropped every time. The Judge would let him join by telephone for the hearings. I would have to find a babysitter for 2 kids, drive to court, and be anxious. One of the more outrageous Contempt of Court was....Tony said that I should be in Contempt, because I didn't give our daughter to him. But then he explained to the Judge he was no where near the United States where he was supposed to pick her up.
He then brought my ex husband into the picture and started Subpoenaing him to the court cases. Through this whole thing... My brother, who adopted ILM, Ranee's dad, my ex husband, and now Tony used the same lawyer. This lawyer knew my whole background and was now doing a custody case against me. My ex had no clue about my life and because of the current case going on...I had to fight him in court to see Ashlyn. I went to the same doctor and got another psych. eval, MMPI Parenting assessment, etc.
The outcome was very different. For Tony's case, I should be awarded full custody and he should have supervised visits with an adult female present at all times. For my ex husband's case, I should have visits and slowly ease into getting her over night. I am telling you that this was putting salt in the all the wounds. I stood, alone in court talking about my daughter Ashlyn with the other side of the court room filled with my ex husband, his family and his new wife's family. I stood alone. My first visit was at their house for I think 4 or 2 hours, it seemed like an eternity. I was not "allowed to tell her I was her mother." I had to ask his new wife permission to paint my daughter's toe nails, make rice crsipie treats on the floor, etc. It was inner pain. I did it a few times and couldn't do it anymore. I asked the Judge and the Psychologist to look into Parental Alienation and by not allowing me to tell my daughter I am her mother, was furthering this. No one would listen to me. So, I gave up. I went with my ex husband to the Prothonotay's office and signed over all my rights. There was a hearing later, after so many days had passed, but I couldn't bear to attend. I was still in my court battle with Tony. 2 court battles, no lawyer, now 3 young children involved, and me not working.
When I would go to pick up Vanessa, in Canada, he would lock her in the car and tell me if I didn't agree to more custody he was going to drive away with her. So, I did sign his papers and then he would submit them to his lawyer. I looked like a fool, for signing a paper and then trying to go back on it. The last time, I was driving to pick her up in Canada, he was on the phone degrading me the whole trip, I had to listen to him, if I didn't then he may not return my baby to me. I finally got fed up and told him I was at the meeting spot. He drove past me and waved and left. I called the Canadian Police and showed them my custody agreement. They tried to find him, but they couldn't. They said it was a US Agreement and there was nothing they could do. I went home, another 4 hour trip and typed up an Emergency Custody Petition. The Judge did not treat it as an Emergency, because "the child is with her father." There was nothing they could do, because "She was in Canada and they couldn't order the authorities there to send her back." So, I just went through all this hell to get an agreement that means absolutely nothing? Fabulous. It was around July of 2012, that I signed full custody of her over to her father. I did not want to have anything to do with him ever again and ever wanted to see a court room. I was going to focus on Ranee' and trying to be the best mother I could be.
He allowed me to come visit her on Christmas on 2011. He made me park my car 3 hours away, so the only way I could leave, is when he took me to my car. He wouldn't let me leave, unless I did intimate physical acts with him. It was worth it to see my baby though. What I can't understand is why, since he has 6 rental properties, 2 in Canada, and 4 here in the States, why he lives in his step mother's basement. His step mother is only 2 years older than him. I haven't seen Vanessa since that day.
I have texted and talked to him, asking to see her through out the year. He says he will have to think about it and then I call him a few days later and I never got back to him on the right day, or he is "busy." We recently got into a fight, because I wrote his mom a letter.
Her and I have been talking forever. She writes me and I write her...we even call each other sometimes. I sent her a letter around Christmas of 2012. To see how she was doing, etc. He must have found out somehow and called me screaming. Its not my business to talk to his family... She is an elderly woman living alone and he has not respect for his mother at all. He won't let her see Vanessa because she won't say yes to his every command. A few days before this I was telling him about my car in bad shape, life, etc...he was telling me all about his new Porsche. So his threat to me, for talking to his mother, was I will go after you for child support. Well, in Canada if you are poor and can't pay they don't make you. My response to him was you need child support when you are buying a Porsche?
To which he said I hate him and my daughter, "because I can't stand to see a minority do well." I said it has nothing to do with the color of your skin..It is about being a humble kind person. I also told him that one day he may piss off the wrong person with his bad attitude. The last thing he said was if you want to see her pay a 10,000 and fight me in court in Canada.
To read more, from my notebooks, my thoughts, feelings, etc...read the next blog..haven't thought of a name for it yet.
Tony and I were not getting along very well, because of his controlling ways and my cheating. A few weeks before Vanessa was born, her dad told me, "sometimes boyfriends kill their girlfriends and cut their babies out." That was enough. I went to the Domestic Violence place and filed for a PFA (Protection From Abuse Order). Shortly there after, she was born.
Vanessa was born on May 6, 2010. I gave birth to her myself with no family around. I was scheduled to be induced on the 6 sometime in the afternoon. I came into the hospital the night before, because the power was out and this being my 5th child, I did NOT want to give birth at home. So, I came in, took a shower, hung out, and went to sleep. I had a few pains, nothing major. When the doctor came in, he checked me and said its almost time to push...Excuse me? I need an IV, meds, etc.. no time. So in about 1 hour she was born. She was the sweetest little doll. My mom came about half an hour after she was born, thinking it was induction time and I said no, she is over there. That day I called Tony's mother and told her the news. I was close with her, because she watched Alyssa for me a few times. She was a very caring, sweet woman. I think and thought of her as another mom. I went to her advice. She said it was important for me to let Tony see Vanessa and convinced me to do so. So, with a sheriff present, I allowed him to come into my hospital room to see the baby. He didn't want to hold her. He was screaming in my face telling me it wasn't his baby, it was a "Chinese baby." The next day, he had a Sheriff serve me a ridiculous custody paper and I had just gotten out of the operating room, from my tubal ligation. He was mad about my tubal, because he wanted me to have more kids with him. He is a nutter!!!
Tony was the worst kind of stalker, person. We broke up, several times. The one time we broke up, he bought a house a block away from my parent's house. He tried to bring me a nice red Jaguar car for Christmas, when we weren't together. I told him I didn't want to be with him and I didn't want his car. I may have been the only person he couldn't buy with money. He learned about my whole past with my kids and tried to use it against me. He insisted on meeting my biological parents, so he "could see what our daughter may look like." Then said I hang out with "people who got their kids taken away by CPS."
This started my whole episode of 2 years of court. He tried to sue me 2 times for half a million dollars each, you can't get blood from a turnip. He used the court system to harass me and scare me into giving him more custody. We went through a home study,psyhc evaluation (this included MMPI Parenting Assesment), criminal record checks, etc. His Psych. evaluation came back horrible. He tried to get the doctor's license taken away, because he was "Racist." He fought me on everything, including her name. He said that Gabriella was a "degrading white name."
We were in court about 3 times a week. He would bring Contempt Of Court charges against me, that were dropped every time. The Judge would let him join by telephone for the hearings. I would have to find a babysitter for 2 kids, drive to court, and be anxious. One of the more outrageous Contempt of Court was....Tony said that I should be in Contempt, because I didn't give our daughter to him. But then he explained to the Judge he was no where near the United States where he was supposed to pick her up.
He then brought my ex husband into the picture and started Subpoenaing him to the court cases. Through this whole thing... My brother, who adopted ILM, Ranee's dad, my ex husband, and now Tony used the same lawyer. This lawyer knew my whole background and was now doing a custody case against me. My ex had no clue about my life and because of the current case going on...I had to fight him in court to see Ashlyn. I went to the same doctor and got another psych. eval, MMPI Parenting assessment, etc.
The outcome was very different. For Tony's case, I should be awarded full custody and he should have supervised visits with an adult female present at all times. For my ex husband's case, I should have visits and slowly ease into getting her over night. I am telling you that this was putting salt in the all the wounds. I stood, alone in court talking about my daughter Ashlyn with the other side of the court room filled with my ex husband, his family and his new wife's family. I stood alone. My first visit was at their house for I think 4 or 2 hours, it seemed like an eternity. I was not "allowed to tell her I was her mother." I had to ask his new wife permission to paint my daughter's toe nails, make rice crsipie treats on the floor, etc. It was inner pain. I did it a few times and couldn't do it anymore. I asked the Judge and the Psychologist to look into Parental Alienation and by not allowing me to tell my daughter I am her mother, was furthering this. No one would listen to me. So, I gave up. I went with my ex husband to the Prothonotay's office and signed over all my rights. There was a hearing later, after so many days had passed, but I couldn't bear to attend. I was still in my court battle with Tony. 2 court battles, no lawyer, now 3 young children involved, and me not working.
When I would go to pick up Vanessa, in Canada, he would lock her in the car and tell me if I didn't agree to more custody he was going to drive away with her. So, I did sign his papers and then he would submit them to his lawyer. I looked like a fool, for signing a paper and then trying to go back on it. The last time, I was driving to pick her up in Canada, he was on the phone degrading me the whole trip, I had to listen to him, if I didn't then he may not return my baby to me. I finally got fed up and told him I was at the meeting spot. He drove past me and waved and left. I called the Canadian Police and showed them my custody agreement. They tried to find him, but they couldn't. They said it was a US Agreement and there was nothing they could do. I went home, another 4 hour trip and typed up an Emergency Custody Petition. The Judge did not treat it as an Emergency, because "the child is with her father." There was nothing they could do, because "She was in Canada and they couldn't order the authorities there to send her back." So, I just went through all this hell to get an agreement that means absolutely nothing? Fabulous. It was around July of 2012, that I signed full custody of her over to her father. I did not want to have anything to do with him ever again and ever wanted to see a court room. I was going to focus on Ranee' and trying to be the best mother I could be.
He allowed me to come visit her on Christmas on 2011. He made me park my car 3 hours away, so the only way I could leave, is when he took me to my car. He wouldn't let me leave, unless I did intimate physical acts with him. It was worth it to see my baby though. What I can't understand is why, since he has 6 rental properties, 2 in Canada, and 4 here in the States, why he lives in his step mother's basement. His step mother is only 2 years older than him. I haven't seen Vanessa since that day.
I have texted and talked to him, asking to see her through out the year. He says he will have to think about it and then I call him a few days later and I never got back to him on the right day, or he is "busy." We recently got into a fight, because I wrote his mom a letter.
Her and I have been talking forever. She writes me and I write her...we even call each other sometimes. I sent her a letter around Christmas of 2012. To see how she was doing, etc. He must have found out somehow and called me screaming. Its not my business to talk to his family... She is an elderly woman living alone and he has not respect for his mother at all. He won't let her see Vanessa because she won't say yes to his every command. A few days before this I was telling him about my car in bad shape, life, etc...he was telling me all about his new Porsche. So his threat to me, for talking to his mother, was I will go after you for child support. Well, in Canada if you are poor and can't pay they don't make you. My response to him was you need child support when you are buying a Porsche?
To which he said I hate him and my daughter, "because I can't stand to see a minority do well." I said it has nothing to do with the color of your skin..It is about being a humble kind person. I also told him that one day he may piss off the wrong person with his bad attitude. The last thing he said was if you want to see her pay a 10,000 and fight me in court in Canada.
To read more, from my notebooks, my thoughts, feelings, etc...read the next blog..haven't thought of a name for it yet.
*Ranee's Story*
Ranee' is her middle name, not her real name. I am trying to also protect her privacy. Ranee's dad was an accountant and we lived together, I worked at a mini mart. He wanted to have a child and I wanted to get married. I wanted to be married first, but he asked me to have a child. After a few months of asking, I said yes, because we were both in a position to raise a child.
We were out one night with his friends at a bar and we got into a disagreement. I left to walk home and didn't tell him. Some people offered me to come hang out with them. I did and ended up pretty hammered. There was a very cute man and I went home with him. The next day I woke up and went home. My boyfriend was pretty upset and I told him I was packing my things and leaving and about what I had done. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later and somehow thought he would stick with me, because he wanted this child. I never really thought that he would think she wasn't his.
I met Tony (nickname), when I was about 5 months pregnant on an Internet dating site. He came to my local area and we had pizza at Pizza Hut. I told him my story with the dad of my child, my other children, and basically my whole life story. He was a successful businessman, older 36 or 37 at the time, and I thought wow, he can take care of my baby and I and he is older, so he will be more mature. At first he seemed perfect. Caring, loving, etc.... He was also Canadian and Jamaican, which drew me to him. I have always been drawn to people of different cultures, because they have such rich stories and history. I love foreigners:)
On March 31, 2009, I went into labor with Ranee', my mom was there with me, but she was getting tired. I called Ranee's dad, who was 2 hours away and he said he couldn't come, because he was working. My mom suggested I call Tony and he came all the way from Canada, 4 hours away to the birth of a child that wasn't his. I thought, wow, what a stand up man. I was only 22 at the time and wanted a tubal ligation. He told me no and convinced me that I "owed" him a child, because he was helping me through the pregnancy and was helping me raise Ranee'.
Ranee's dad and I took a paternity test and he was her dad, like I assumed. His parents helped him with her and have been a great support system for her. I, to this day, get along with his parents, and he has since married and joined the Navy. It took a while for us to get a semi normal parenting relationship, but we made it. I don't keep her from him and he doesn't keep her from me.
A few months later, I find out I am pregnant with Tony's child. To read more, read my next blog, "Vanessa's Story."
We were out one night with his friends at a bar and we got into a disagreement. I left to walk home and didn't tell him. Some people offered me to come hang out with them. I did and ended up pretty hammered. There was a very cute man and I went home with him. The next day I woke up and went home. My boyfriend was pretty upset and I told him I was packing my things and leaving and about what I had done. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later and somehow thought he would stick with me, because he wanted this child. I never really thought that he would think she wasn't his.
I met Tony (nickname), when I was about 5 months pregnant on an Internet dating site. He came to my local area and we had pizza at Pizza Hut. I told him my story with the dad of my child, my other children, and basically my whole life story. He was a successful businessman, older 36 or 37 at the time, and I thought wow, he can take care of my baby and I and he is older, so he will be more mature. At first he seemed perfect. Caring, loving, etc.... He was also Canadian and Jamaican, which drew me to him. I have always been drawn to people of different cultures, because they have such rich stories and history. I love foreigners:)
On March 31, 2009, I went into labor with Ranee', my mom was there with me, but she was getting tired. I called Ranee's dad, who was 2 hours away and he said he couldn't come, because he was working. My mom suggested I call Tony and he came all the way from Canada, 4 hours away to the birth of a child that wasn't his. I thought, wow, what a stand up man. I was only 22 at the time and wanted a tubal ligation. He told me no and convinced me that I "owed" him a child, because he was helping me through the pregnancy and was helping me raise Ranee'.
Ranee's dad and I took a paternity test and he was her dad, like I assumed. His parents helped him with her and have been a great support system for her. I, to this day, get along with his parents, and he has since married and joined the Navy. It took a while for us to get a semi normal parenting relationship, but we made it. I don't keep her from him and he doesn't keep her from me.
A few months later, I find out I am pregnant with Tony's child. To read more, read my next blog, "Vanessa's Story."
*Ashlyn's Story*
On May 19, 2007, I gave birth to Ashlyn. My husband was there and it was a very intimate thing. He was so happy that he jumped up and down and kissed my forehead when she was born. It was the sweetest memory I have of us.
Sometime after that I started working 3rd shift at a factory and my husband was working 1st shift at the hardware store. We were both sleep deprived and edgy. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a really bad case of post par tum depression. I was never mean or hurtful to Ashlyn, but I didn't hold her, like I held my other babies. I couldn't get attached to her, like I did ILM and Gabrian. Eventually the stress just became too much. I didn't know what to do, so I kind of just checked out of my life for a while.
In a tizzy, I asked my brother and sister in law to adopted ILM, and they agreed. I left Ashlyn with her dad and flew to Austin, TX, for about 6 months. I partied, worked, and pondered life. I flew home and decided to try to work it out with my husband. No such luck. He was still so hurt from not having ILM and he had a new girlfriend who moved right in a played mommy to our daughter. I had visitation, but I wasn't following it like I should have been. I wanted my family back. When I would take Ashlyn, I still couldn't connect with her like I should have. I took care of her, but I didn't get that overwhelming sense of love and affection that I should have gotten. After a while, I met a new boyfriend and he would watch her for me sometimes when I was working, if I had visitation. He was a good man. I stopped seeing Ashlyn all together for a while.
My new boyfriend wanted a family, perfect. That is exactly what I have been looking for this whole time. To read more, read, *Ranee's Story*
Sometime after that I started working 3rd shift at a factory and my husband was working 1st shift at the hardware store. We were both sleep deprived and edgy. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a really bad case of post par tum depression. I was never mean or hurtful to Ashlyn, but I didn't hold her, like I held my other babies. I couldn't get attached to her, like I did ILM and Gabrian. Eventually the stress just became too much. I didn't know what to do, so I kind of just checked out of my life for a while.
In a tizzy, I asked my brother and sister in law to adopted ILM, and they agreed. I left Ashlyn with her dad and flew to Austin, TX, for about 6 months. I partied, worked, and pondered life. I flew home and decided to try to work it out with my husband. No such luck. He was still so hurt from not having ILM and he had a new girlfriend who moved right in a played mommy to our daughter. I had visitation, but I wasn't following it like I should have been. I wanted my family back. When I would take Ashlyn, I still couldn't connect with her like I should have. I took care of her, but I didn't get that overwhelming sense of love and affection that I should have gotten. After a while, I met a new boyfriend and he would watch her for me sometimes when I was working, if I had visitation. He was a good man. I stopped seeing Ashlyn all together for a while.
My new boyfriend wanted a family, perfect. That is exactly what I have been looking for this whole time. To read more, read, *Ranee's Story*
*The Story Of ILM*
I won't post her name, because I never want her to know about the way in which she was conceived. I never want her to be embarrassed or ashamed in anyway. She is such a darling girl. Pretty and smart as a whip. This is her story...
When I was pregnant with ILM, I asked my sister in law's sister, (who I will call Sue, to protect her privacy), if she would support me while I was pregnant and her and her husband to adopt my baby. They said yes and were delighted. Sue and her husband were really cool people. They didn't force religion on me and they just kind of accepted me for who I was. It was refreshing. I am not sure how many months I stayed there or when exactly I left, but at some point I decided that I wanted to try to raise my baby.
I left one day while they were gone without saying a word. I didn't know how to tell them, they were such good people, and I knew it was going to crush them. I gave birth to ILM on April 24, 2006. She was the apple of my eye. No one was getting this baby, she was mine and I was hers. She was such a good baby. I had re connected with an old boyfriend I had when I attended Vo-Tech. He said he was coming home for a break from college and wanted to hang out with me. I told him I just had a baby and that she goes everywhere I go. He agreed and told me he knew I had a baby, but he was thinking of my son. I said no silly, I had a baby 3 days ago. As it turned out, he fell in love with her and I. He refused to go back to college, even after I begged and pleaded with him to go. He must have just wanted a family as much as I did. So, he stayed. Eventually, we moved in with a friend of mine and I began working at the local portrait studio. He was a stay at home dad. He was excellent at it. He had her on a schedule and everything. It was what worked for us.
A little time passed and I had found out we were pregnant. He was excited and I was scared out of my mind. I tried to convince him to adopt her before, but he didn't think he needed to, because in his heart, she was his. A piece of paper didn't need to tell him that. I was afraid he would treat the new baby differently or that his family would.
My parents came and saw me at work and paid for our marriage license and wedding bands and told us when they came back from Florida they wanted us married. So we went to a JP and got married. His grandparents got him a job at the local hardware store and we moved in with them. Everything changed...I "wasn't allowed to work," because his grandmother said. She would follow me around while I was giving ILM baths and tell me I was "a bad mother, because I was getting her ears in the water." Among other snide and nasty comments. I would cry to my husband everyday and beg him that we get our own place. When I would have him almost convinced she would tell him why when we don't have to pay rent etc. I had enough. I left pregnant with our child and with ILM to West Virginia and stayed with my cousin. It was so hard being pregnant and chasing a toddler by myself. My husband wanted me to come home and promised to get a place for us. We ended up staying with my sister in law for a little while until we got our own apartment. Things there still weren't good, because if we would have an argument his grandparents would come and tell me to "listen to my husband." Our marriage was not our marriage anymore. It was over run by his grandmother. Why did she hate me so much? Well she raised my husband, mostly and I was taking her baby away and I "was the reason he didn't go back to college."
Amongst all of this turmoil, a great joy was approaching, I was going to give birth to my 3 child. To read about it, read, "Ashlyn's Story."
When I was pregnant with ILM, I asked my sister in law's sister, (who I will call Sue, to protect her privacy), if she would support me while I was pregnant and her and her husband to adopt my baby. They said yes and were delighted. Sue and her husband were really cool people. They didn't force religion on me and they just kind of accepted me for who I was. It was refreshing. I am not sure how many months I stayed there or when exactly I left, but at some point I decided that I wanted to try to raise my baby.
I left one day while they were gone without saying a word. I didn't know how to tell them, they were such good people, and I knew it was going to crush them. I gave birth to ILM on April 24, 2006. She was the apple of my eye. No one was getting this baby, she was mine and I was hers. She was such a good baby. I had re connected with an old boyfriend I had when I attended Vo-Tech. He said he was coming home for a break from college and wanted to hang out with me. I told him I just had a baby and that she goes everywhere I go. He agreed and told me he knew I had a baby, but he was thinking of my son. I said no silly, I had a baby 3 days ago. As it turned out, he fell in love with her and I. He refused to go back to college, even after I begged and pleaded with him to go. He must have just wanted a family as much as I did. So, he stayed. Eventually, we moved in with a friend of mine and I began working at the local portrait studio. He was a stay at home dad. He was excellent at it. He had her on a schedule and everything. It was what worked for us.
A little time passed and I had found out we were pregnant. He was excited and I was scared out of my mind. I tried to convince him to adopt her before, but he didn't think he needed to, because in his heart, she was his. A piece of paper didn't need to tell him that. I was afraid he would treat the new baby differently or that his family would.
My parents came and saw me at work and paid for our marriage license and wedding bands and told us when they came back from Florida they wanted us married. So we went to a JP and got married. His grandparents got him a job at the local hardware store and we moved in with them. Everything changed...I "wasn't allowed to work," because his grandmother said. She would follow me around while I was giving ILM baths and tell me I was "a bad mother, because I was getting her ears in the water." Among other snide and nasty comments. I would cry to my husband everyday and beg him that we get our own place. When I would have him almost convinced she would tell him why when we don't have to pay rent etc. I had enough. I left pregnant with our child and with ILM to West Virginia and stayed with my cousin. It was so hard being pregnant and chasing a toddler by myself. My husband wanted me to come home and promised to get a place for us. We ended up staying with my sister in law for a little while until we got our own apartment. Things there still weren't good, because if we would have an argument his grandparents would come and tell me to "listen to my husband." Our marriage was not our marriage anymore. It was over run by his grandmother. Why did she hate me so much? Well she raised my husband, mostly and I was taking her baby away and I "was the reason he didn't go back to college."
Amongst all of this turmoil, a great joy was approaching, I was going to give birth to my 3 child. To read about it, read, "Ashlyn's Story."
*The Adoption Of Gabrian*
On October 19, 2004, I gave birth to my handsome baby boy. I named him Gabrian. He was the light of my life. My whole entire world. I was just finishing up my junior year when he was born. My boyfriend's mother, needed in home care, had a waiver program, and got to chose her own employees. She hired me to cook, clean, and help her around the house. I brought Gabrian to her house while I worked many times. Her son, my boyfriend at the time, signed his birth certificate. I was trying to finish high school and get my degree. About 2 months before I would have graduated, I got either a letter or an email from the principal at the time telling me not to show up, because I was being kicked out for missing too many days. I was upset, but there was nothing I could do. I went to another high school and took my G.E.D. Test and got my G.E.D. Diploma about a month before I would have graduated regular high school. If I had known how easy the test was going to be, I would have quit high school and taken it a long time before that. I hated school.
At some point, my hours at work got cut, things with the boyfriend went South in a hurry, and I talked to a lawyer about domestic violence issues. I got some help and the courts ordered my boyfriend to take a DNA test even though he was on the birth certificate and he was not the father. I never realized until now, how much hell I put that man through. He was a good man trying to help me and take care of my son, even though he knew he wasn't his child. I was so stupid and childishly ignorant. I asked my mother (for the record I call my mother the mother that raised me) to let me live with her until hours at work picked back up, because I couldn't afford my rent. She said no. I asked a friend and her mom and they let me live with them for a while. My mom and sister came to me one day, while I had Gabrian and my new boyfriend's child at the park and told me, "If you don't let your sister adopt him, you will never see him again, the state will take him away, because you are so young." I believed them. I was young,naive, and stupid. I couldn't stand the thought of not having my son. I had never spent a night away from him and at this point he was about a year or so old. I agreed to let my sister adopt him. I did ask my sister for help with him, instead of her adopting him, but she said no. So they took him into their home for a few days to "Try things out." I visited everyday. It was tragic and horrific for me. He cried when I left, I cried when I left.
This is when I began to drink. I got a new boyfriend, who was bad. In and out of jail all the time, loved to party. I couldn't stop thinking about my son and didn't know what to do. I found solace in the bottle. I would wake up in the morning and drink myself stupid until I passed out, which for even as often as I drank, was still only about 3-4 wine coolers, or beer.
One seemingly sad, regular night of drinking, I woke up the next day. Next to my boyfriends best friend...naked. I was so ashamed and I didn't remember anything. I went into the living room where he was crying. I said oh my god I am sure I cheated on you I am so sorry. He very casually said to me, "you were passed out and I let some guys have sex with you." I was angry and went home and told my mom. She told me it was my fault for drinking and I believed her. I checked myself into a psychiatric facility to get away from the people I was drinking around and for help. I never did discuss the real root of my pain, not being with my son. I found out 6 weeks later I was pregnant, again. All I wanted was a family of my own. A place to fit in a feel like I belonged. I didn't plan to have this many children in these ways. Life never goes as you plan. To read about, my next daughter,read "The Story Of ILM."
At some point, my hours at work got cut, things with the boyfriend went South in a hurry, and I talked to a lawyer about domestic violence issues. I got some help and the courts ordered my boyfriend to take a DNA test even though he was on the birth certificate and he was not the father. I never realized until now, how much hell I put that man through. He was a good man trying to help me and take care of my son, even though he knew he wasn't his child. I was so stupid and childishly ignorant. I asked my mother (for the record I call my mother the mother that raised me) to let me live with her until hours at work picked back up, because I couldn't afford my rent. She said no. I asked a friend and her mom and they let me live with them for a while. My mom and sister came to me one day, while I had Gabrian and my new boyfriend's child at the park and told me, "If you don't let your sister adopt him, you will never see him again, the state will take him away, because you are so young." I believed them. I was young,naive, and stupid. I couldn't stand the thought of not having my son. I had never spent a night away from him and at this point he was about a year or so old. I agreed to let my sister adopt him. I did ask my sister for help with him, instead of her adopting him, but she said no. So they took him into their home for a few days to "Try things out." I visited everyday. It was tragic and horrific for me. He cried when I left, I cried when I left.
This is when I began to drink. I got a new boyfriend, who was bad. In and out of jail all the time, loved to party. I couldn't stop thinking about my son and didn't know what to do. I found solace in the bottle. I would wake up in the morning and drink myself stupid until I passed out, which for even as often as I drank, was still only about 3-4 wine coolers, or beer.
One seemingly sad, regular night of drinking, I woke up the next day. Next to my boyfriends best friend...naked. I was so ashamed and I didn't remember anything. I went into the living room where he was crying. I said oh my god I am sure I cheated on you I am so sorry. He very casually said to me, "you were passed out and I let some guys have sex with you." I was angry and went home and told my mom. She told me it was my fault for drinking and I believed her. I checked myself into a psychiatric facility to get away from the people I was drinking around and for help. I never did discuss the real root of my pain, not being with my son. I found out 6 weeks later I was pregnant, again. All I wanted was a family of my own. A place to fit in a feel like I belonged. I didn't plan to have this many children in these ways. Life never goes as you plan. To read about, my next daughter,read "The Story Of ILM."
Thursday, January 10, 2013
~Considering Adoption For "Birth Parents" and "Adoptive Parents"~
Are you considering Adoption? Here is some advice that companies won't tell you. Some things you may not even be thinking about. You will get so wrapped up in getting a baby/ giving your baby a "better life," that you need someone to tell you the hard stuff, the truth, the stuff the money grubbing companies won't tell you...
Birth Parents
Are you overwhelmed? Welcome to parenthood. Pressure from your parents, child's father, family, etc to give your child up for adoption? Here are some things to consider first...
~ The moment your child is born, as long as he/she is placed on your chest, you will bond, instantly no matter what.
~No one can ever love your child the way you do.
~If you are a young or teen mom, there are programs funded through the state that will help you finish school, get daycare while you are in school, etc. You can also get more Pell Grants and FAFSA help being a single mother to go to college and to get a degree. This is not your ONLY and life saving option.
~If you are considering open adoption. You are being told that you will get to see your baby every so often. This is not exactly true. What you need to understand is that when you sign your rights away to your child, the new parents aka the "adoptive parents," have all the say so, they make the rules. They may/may not let you see the child. Some may be simply jealous of you or think you may "change your mind," some may simply see you as a threat or think since you are biologically connected that you child will love you more.
~If you are worried about being a single mother. There are plenty of unmarried, single mothers out there and plenty of divorced single mothers out there. They are doing it and you can too. I won't lie it won't be easy. You may have to, for a time get government assistance, BUT no one can love YOUR BABY the way you do.
~Adoption agencies will tell you that the adoptive parents can give your child a life that you can't. Babies don't care about money and stuff, they care about family and YOU. YOU are so important to your child, even if you haven't already given birth to him or her yet. This baby grew inside you and heard YOUR heartbeat. This baby forever loves you and is forever attached to you.
~If you do give your child up for adoption, you will regret it the rest of your life. You may seem fine on the outside, but on the inside you will have a hole so deep in your heart that no one else could ever understand. If/When you decide to have more children you will remember the child you gave away and it will hurt. If you decide on adoption, because of "image" issues...well let me tell you sister, it takes a much stronger woman to raise a baby then to simply give up.
Adoptive Parents
Are you wanting a baby? Are you desperate and feel you HAVE to HAVE a baby to complete your family? Do you already have children and you want to ADD to your family? Here are some thing the adoption agencies that are going to suck your last penny out of you, don't want you to consider...
~Adoption agencies are going to be expensive. You have to also consider the cost of raising the child. Children also don't need money. They need LOVE.
~If you already have kids, then, you will treat your adoptive child differently. You like to think you wouldn't, but you will. If there is a natural disaster and you can only save 1 of your children... you will save YOUR biological child first.
~When you tell your child that he or she was adopted they will want to find their birth parents. This is natural. They want to see who they look like, where they come from, and ask, "Why?" If you don't tell your child they were adopted, they will find out and they will hate you for lying to them their whole life.
~When your child finds his/her biological family, they may end up wanting to be close to them, especially if they have biological siblings. So, you have spent all this money to adopt this child, money to raise it, invested time, and love...but then the child decides to forsake you and leave you when they are older? Are you ready to handle that?
~~If you can't have kids and are considering adoption. Don't do it. Maybe there is a reason God didn't want you to have a baby and no the reason isn't because you can help a motherless child...all children have mothers.
~~If you can't have kids and are considering adoption and are a single mother. Don't do it. If you can't be adult enough to find a significant other and stick by them, well how in the heck do you expect to foster a healthy relationship with a child, who can't tell you their wants and needs?
*********************************************************************************
I DO NOT SUPPORT ABORTION AND WOULD NEVER, EVER RECOMMEND IT.
I support raising your own kids. Regardless of image, age, money status, or whatever excuse you come up with. There is a way. Thanks for reading.
Birth Parents
Are you overwhelmed? Welcome to parenthood. Pressure from your parents, child's father, family, etc to give your child up for adoption? Here are some things to consider first...
~ The moment your child is born, as long as he/she is placed on your chest, you will bond, instantly no matter what.
~No one can ever love your child the way you do.
~If you are a young or teen mom, there are programs funded through the state that will help you finish school, get daycare while you are in school, etc. You can also get more Pell Grants and FAFSA help being a single mother to go to college and to get a degree. This is not your ONLY and life saving option.
~If you are considering open adoption. You are being told that you will get to see your baby every so often. This is not exactly true. What you need to understand is that when you sign your rights away to your child, the new parents aka the "adoptive parents," have all the say so, they make the rules. They may/may not let you see the child. Some may be simply jealous of you or think you may "change your mind," some may simply see you as a threat or think since you are biologically connected that you child will love you more.
~If you are worried about being a single mother. There are plenty of unmarried, single mothers out there and plenty of divorced single mothers out there. They are doing it and you can too. I won't lie it won't be easy. You may have to, for a time get government assistance, BUT no one can love YOUR BABY the way you do.
~Adoption agencies will tell you that the adoptive parents can give your child a life that you can't. Babies don't care about money and stuff, they care about family and YOU. YOU are so important to your child, even if you haven't already given birth to him or her yet. This baby grew inside you and heard YOUR heartbeat. This baby forever loves you and is forever attached to you.
~If you do give your child up for adoption, you will regret it the rest of your life. You may seem fine on the outside, but on the inside you will have a hole so deep in your heart that no one else could ever understand. If/When you decide to have more children you will remember the child you gave away and it will hurt. If you decide on adoption, because of "image" issues...well let me tell you sister, it takes a much stronger woman to raise a baby then to simply give up.
Adoptive Parents
Are you wanting a baby? Are you desperate and feel you HAVE to HAVE a baby to complete your family? Do you already have children and you want to ADD to your family? Here are some thing the adoption agencies that are going to suck your last penny out of you, don't want you to consider...
~Adoption agencies are going to be expensive. You have to also consider the cost of raising the child. Children also don't need money. They need LOVE.
~If you already have kids, then, you will treat your adoptive child differently. You like to think you wouldn't, but you will. If there is a natural disaster and you can only save 1 of your children... you will save YOUR biological child first.
~When you tell your child that he or she was adopted they will want to find their birth parents. This is natural. They want to see who they look like, where they come from, and ask, "Why?" If you don't tell your child they were adopted, they will find out and they will hate you for lying to them their whole life.
~When your child finds his/her biological family, they may end up wanting to be close to them, especially if they have biological siblings. So, you have spent all this money to adopt this child, money to raise it, invested time, and love...but then the child decides to forsake you and leave you when they are older? Are you ready to handle that?
~~If you can't have kids and are considering adoption. Don't do it. Maybe there is a reason God didn't want you to have a baby and no the reason isn't because you can help a motherless child...all children have mothers.
~~If you can't have kids and are considering adoption and are a single mother. Don't do it. If you can't be adult enough to find a significant other and stick by them, well how in the heck do you expect to foster a healthy relationship with a child, who can't tell you their wants and needs?
*********************************************************************************
I DO NOT SUPPORT ABORTION AND WOULD NEVER, EVER RECOMMEND IT.
I support raising your own kids. Regardless of image, age, money status, or whatever excuse you come up with. There is a way. Thanks for reading.
*Adoptive Family*
In my adoptive family. I am the youngest. I am also the only adopted one. The others are natural children.. I have 4 brothers and 1 sister.
1. Oldest brother, "G" (to again protect his privacy). He is approx. 19 years older than me. He had a large family. His ex wife was always accepting of me. I loved her like another mother. I spent many summers at their house with their kids. I was never really close with this brother and never really got to know him. But his wife and kids are/were awesome. His boys were close to my age and like little brothers to me. We went camping, swimming, had bonfires, and I loved being part of his family.
2.2nd To Oldest Brother, "Eric" (to protect his privacy). I also grew up with this brother. I loved him to pieces. I used to babysit for his 2 kids often. I didn't always get along with this brother, because he was the only one not afraid to tell me like it is. I respect him and loved him very much for that. He is the one that told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life." I wish I would have listened. We are not that close anymore, sadly. There was a family feud over who was adopting ILM. He never knew why I didn't pick him to adopt her. I finally had that talk with him about a year or so ago. He had horrible luck with women. Not his fault, but ILM needed stability.
3.3rd to oldest Brother, "Kevin"(privacy). He lived with us for a while. When I was little he doted on me and spoiled me rotten. When I got older, we fought. He is "mommy's boy" and I am "daddy's girl." He went through a really rough patch after his divorce and lived with my parents and I. It was hell to say the least, not all him, but me too. We get along a lot better now that we don't live together. Well I get upset that him and his new wife keep asking to adopted Ranee', like don't any of you people have a conscience? Is it okay to just ask me for my kids? Its rude and distasteful. How about we try supporting family, not using them for our own selfish gain. That would be a new one....
4.Baby brother, "Teddy"(privacy). I never really got to know him. He is approx. 16 years older than me. His kids are very well behaved and his wife doesn't take any guff. She always appears better than everyone and a bit snobbish, but under there somewhere is a sweet lady. These two were high school sweet hearts and never going to divorce. They adopted ILM.
5.Sister, "Tessa" (privacy). We had an on and off relationship. Never really like I would have liked. She adopted my son. She had 3 girls and really wanted a boy. Her and my mother, instead of helping and supporting me, kind of convinced me to give her to him. Gabrian is happy and he does have a good life.
6.Mom. Well, in order not to hurt her feelings...she is sensitive and I have made her cry enough over the years. I am not sure if she loves me. She isn't the huggable snuggable mommy. I think by the time she got to raising me she was done raising kids. I was the little person she adopted to maybe show off at church. I am not sure. My mom makes the best home made crafts. She is an excellent baker. She never taught me how to cook, she liked us kids staying out of her kitchen. She tried her best. But she never accepted me as her child. Example, my sister, her husband, and kids lived with us a great deal of my childhood and my mom helped them raise their children while they worked. I asked my mom to live with her and pay rent at 17 when my hours at work got cut. She said no..then said if you don't let your sister adopt him, you are young, the state will take him away, and you will never see him again. I always hoped that was a bad memory I had made up or something. But when I recently had to sleep on her couch she kept saying, "Your sister deserved a son..."
7.Daddy. I am his little princess. I have no doubts in my mind that my daddy loved/loves me. He is quiet, keeps to himself and reads, a lot. He worked at the same place all his life and retired the year I graduated high school. He enjoys going to the kids sporting events, volleyball, t-ball, and stuff.
8.Grandma. My daddy's mom also accepted me, no matter what. She was the grandma who loved everyone. Sweet and feisty sometimes. She always had m and m's. She took care of my aunt, who was blind her whole life. She passed away last year, sadly. She was a darling woman. I loved her to pieces.
1. Oldest brother, "G" (to again protect his privacy). He is approx. 19 years older than me. He had a large family. His ex wife was always accepting of me. I loved her like another mother. I spent many summers at their house with their kids. I was never really close with this brother and never really got to know him. But his wife and kids are/were awesome. His boys were close to my age and like little brothers to me. We went camping, swimming, had bonfires, and I loved being part of his family.
2.2nd To Oldest Brother, "Eric" (to protect his privacy). I also grew up with this brother. I loved him to pieces. I used to babysit for his 2 kids often. I didn't always get along with this brother, because he was the only one not afraid to tell me like it is. I respect him and loved him very much for that. He is the one that told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life." I wish I would have listened. We are not that close anymore, sadly. There was a family feud over who was adopting ILM. He never knew why I didn't pick him to adopt her. I finally had that talk with him about a year or so ago. He had horrible luck with women. Not his fault, but ILM needed stability.
3.3rd to oldest Brother, "Kevin"(privacy). He lived with us for a while. When I was little he doted on me and spoiled me rotten. When I got older, we fought. He is "mommy's boy" and I am "daddy's girl." He went through a really rough patch after his divorce and lived with my parents and I. It was hell to say the least, not all him, but me too. We get along a lot better now that we don't live together. Well I get upset that him and his new wife keep asking to adopted Ranee', like don't any of you people have a conscience? Is it okay to just ask me for my kids? Its rude and distasteful. How about we try supporting family, not using them for our own selfish gain. That would be a new one....
4.Baby brother, "Teddy"(privacy). I never really got to know him. He is approx. 16 years older than me. His kids are very well behaved and his wife doesn't take any guff. She always appears better than everyone and a bit snobbish, but under there somewhere is a sweet lady. These two were high school sweet hearts and never going to divorce. They adopted ILM.
5.Sister, "Tessa" (privacy). We had an on and off relationship. Never really like I would have liked. She adopted my son. She had 3 girls and really wanted a boy. Her and my mother, instead of helping and supporting me, kind of convinced me to give her to him. Gabrian is happy and he does have a good life.
6.Mom. Well, in order not to hurt her feelings...she is sensitive and I have made her cry enough over the years. I am not sure if she loves me. She isn't the huggable snuggable mommy. I think by the time she got to raising me she was done raising kids. I was the little person she adopted to maybe show off at church. I am not sure. My mom makes the best home made crafts. She is an excellent baker. She never taught me how to cook, she liked us kids staying out of her kitchen. She tried her best. But she never accepted me as her child. Example, my sister, her husband, and kids lived with us a great deal of my childhood and my mom helped them raise their children while they worked. I asked my mom to live with her and pay rent at 17 when my hours at work got cut. She said no..then said if you don't let your sister adopt him, you are young, the state will take him away, and you will never see him again. I always hoped that was a bad memory I had made up or something. But when I recently had to sleep on her couch she kept saying, "Your sister deserved a son..."
7.Daddy. I am his little princess. I have no doubts in my mind that my daddy loved/loves me. He is quiet, keeps to himself and reads, a lot. He worked at the same place all his life and retired the year I graduated high school. He enjoys going to the kids sporting events, volleyball, t-ball, and stuff.
8.Grandma. My daddy's mom also accepted me, no matter what. She was the grandma who loved everyone. Sweet and feisty sometimes. She always had m and m's. She took care of my aunt, who was blind her whole life. She passed away last year, sadly. She was a darling woman. I loved her to pieces.
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