Tid Bits Of My Feelings On Adoption
If you have read all of my blogs, thus far, under Adoption Truths, you will be wondering, what does all this have to do exactly with adoption? Well my answer is everything. I have read all the websites that tell "birth mothers" what a wonderful decision they are making. The same sites are telling "Adoptive parents" what a difference they are making. Here are some truths that ring true for me, that no one will tell you. How do I know? I was adopted and I gave up children for adoption.
From the Adopted Child's View
~Adoptive Family~
Your experience could be different from mine. I think it is based on how you go about telling your child they were adopted. As young as I was, part of me wishes I would have been fully accepted by my parents and never told. Or if they told me, that they told me when I was old enough to understand, not introduce the kids and single me out, "We adopted her."
I didn't really fit in with my siblings. They didn't really accept me. My mother tried to use religion to raise me instead of being a parent. I think by the time she got to me, she was done raising kids. I had 4 older brothers and 1 older sister.
My older sister, who adopted my son, (I will call her B to protect her privacy) and I got into a huge fight and have periodically, since she adopted my son. Her daughter had a child (she was/is married, has a job, etc) and B quit her job to take care of her grand daughter. They had a ton of family in the area who would have watched my great niece. I was so hurt and told me sister," maybe if I was your blood sister, you would have helped me raise my son instead of taking him away from me". You quit your job to raise your grandchild. This caused quite an up roar in my sister, since I originally posted it on facebook, publicly. She answered with a you never asked for help, line of stuff. Whatever helps her sleep at night. Through it all though I never really did fit in with this family. I will go visit her and we stand outside her house and talk for a while, never invites me in. And I see my son, he calls me, "Aunt Amanda" and we sometimes play catch or talk about T-Ball, etc. I can say though she has made good on her word to tell him he was adopted when he is old enough to understand.
My sister in law, ILM's mother, said they would tell ILM when she was older that she was adopted and that I could see her when ever I wanted. She never welcomed me into her home. After, she told me she was never going to tell ILM that she was adopted. Its a small town, so I am sure that word will get around to her eventually. In fact, one of her cousins told her she was adopted and didn't come from her mommy's tummy. They thought I did and were furious with me. I didn't and they later found out with no apology to me.
~Biological Family~
There is a lot of pain in my biological mother's eyes. I can't ask her if she wanted me, I know she did. She is mentally slow and could not take care of me. I was angry at her for years for not giving me up to have a better life, that the State had to take me away from her. But you can't blame a person for a disability that they can not help. And she didn't give me up, because she loved me. She tried her best.
My biological father is something. He is an alcoholic and was in and out of jail a lot. When I look at him, I have his nose. I have his temper and attitude.
Two of my siblings, I am decently close to...we talk once in a while. But my youngest sister...we are very close. I moved to her town about 6 months ago to be closer to her. She is a strong, brave, woman. To me, she is what a real sister is...the kind of sister who you can show up at her house in the middle of the night if you are upset or the sister that just pops by to have tea. You are never a bother to this sister. The sister I can have disagreements with and be best friends the next day. The sister that doesn't always agree with my choices, but chooses to love me, no matter what. That is what family is, point blank, end of story, they should accept you flaws and all.
~Ex Husband/Tony having Vanessa~
I recently wrote a facebook message to my ex husband's new wife. They currently moved to Colorado, because his company moved their call center out there. I am having a hard time with not seeing her and wonder how Ashlyn is doing. I got the "what the hell do you want and you have no reason to contact me." So this is my letter to her, "Okay well you have my daughter so I was wondering if the move went okay. If she was doing okay, etc. That's all. I was wondering how you sleep at night, saying you lover her, looking into her eyes, knowing you forced her mom out of her life. One day you will have to explain that to her. Do you know how hard it was for me to come see her and have to ask you permission to even make rice crispy treats with her...to have to ask YOUR PERMISSION, to paint her toe nails. I get that I wasn't always there for her like I should have been and for that, I am sorry. I am sorry for the way things happened, but I think about her all the time and I miss her. I know you don't care, but if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want someone to take your child and treat you that way? I don't understand why I can't ask you about her once in a while. Why don't you step outside of yourself and think about it for one minute and think how you would feel if you were in Ashlyn's shoes. I know you love her. I know you are a great mother to her. I just want you to know where I am coming from. I get that you think I want to bother you or intrude on your life, I really don't. And if you write me back an bitch me out, then that's fine. I appreciate you being there for her, when I wasn't and should have been, I honestly thank you. So, I don't know what else to say, I will leave you alone. Have a good life." With no response, just blocked me.
I miss Vanessa dearly and Ranee', whom I am raising always says we need to get Gabby back. Tony took my sister and he is a bad Tony. And I miss her too. He is so hard to deal with and makes no sense. He told me he has been "more than fair with me," and I told him I haven't seen her since Christmas 2011, a little over a year now and that I still had visitation I could enforce. He told me talk to a lawyer and I would be paying support soon. Real great guy:(
~So my feeling, is.. I don't fit in anywhere.
* My adoptive parent's/family treated me differently from their children. Example; my mother still to this day says, "Your sister deserved a son." (My sister had 3 girls). My sister, her husband, and 3 girls lived with us for most of my life growing up. Our mother watched the kids while my sister and her husband worked...why couldn't she watch my son while I attended school? After my sister adopted Gabrian, my parents would watch him and pick him up after school!?!?!?! My brother and sister-in-law never allow me to come into their home and are awkward and rude when I go and attempt to see my daughter, even as "Aunt Amanda."
* My biological family doesn't know exactly how to talk to me. I think my mom has a lot of guilt maybe even anger towards my adoptive family. I recently wrote my biological cousin, whom I will call (Jess to protect her privacy), when my sister and I had a disagreement. I wrote her and asked her how to apologize and talk to my sister. I got a pretty nasty message stating that I am her only "real sister" (in quotes a lot) and "I've known her since she was born, we grew up together. I get her and she gets me. We're really close and I don't want anything to jeopardize that." So I think there was some jealously issues happening there. My biological father is a mess and told me and my sister, that we are so pretty and if we weren't his daughter's blah blah blah... followed by a lot of uncomfortable hugging and butt patting:-(
From The Birth Mother's View
You will never stop thinking about your child, after they are gone. Even if they are in a loving home with structure. Every birthday, every Christmas, and some holidays will tear you up. When you get to see them, its like you are lying to them. When you are away from them you feel guilt for not being there. There isn't a day that goes by that you don't think about your child/children. You will sit endless, sleepless nights, beating yourself up with the "What ifs." What if I had gotten two jobs, worked harder, not been so naive, etc.. How do you deal with something this emotional? How do you recover? How do you heal? The answer is, I have no idea. Gabrian will be 9 years old in October and I still can't get over it. I keep notebooks, for each one of my children, in hopes that one day, they will want to find me and I will have answers. I miss them all the time, but when its really hard, I write to them in journals and tell them, hey I love you, your not unwanted, etc..
If you are interested in reading some of he excerpts from these notebooks, I have more blogs..
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