Welcome to my blog. In it you will find many interesting things. I can't figure out how to get these blogs in the order they are designed to be in, so bear with me. Grab a cup of coffee, put on your listening cap, and enjoy. If you read them in the following order, they will make a LOT more sense.
~1. All About Me
~2. The Adoption Of Gabrian
~3.The Story of ILM
~4.Ashlyn's Story
~5.Ranee's Story
~6. Vanessa's Story
~7.Excerpts From Gabrian's Notebook
~8.Excerpts From ILM'S Notebook
~9.Excerpts From Ashlyn's Notebook
~10.Excerpts From Ranee's Notebook
~11.Excerpts From Vanessa's Notebook
~12.Ugly Truths About A Tubal
~13.Views From An Adoptive Child and Biological Mother
~14.Considering Adoption
~15. Biological Family/Views
~16.Adoptive Family/Views
Monday, January 14, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
*All About Me*
**For some reason my posts are in order backwards, to read them, read this one first. Then on the right side of the screen click on Gabrian's Adoption and that order is correct. This blog is meant to be sequential.**
Hello, readers, fans, and curious folks. My name is Amanda and I am 25 years old. I have/had 5 children. I had a tubal ligation at only 23 years old, that I now regret. I am going to blog my life story and it mostly centers around adoption and choices. I believe I am 100% responsible for my choices. A wise brother once told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now are going to effect you the rest of your life," I was 17 years old then. Too stupid to listen, but after all the heart ache, right and wrong decision making, I am still here.
I was adopted by my parents (whom I will not name, due to their privacy) when I was 2.5years old. I do not remember being adopted. What I was told was I was in the foster care system and taken away from my biological parents, because my mother could not take care of me properly. I found out I was adopted, because my mom and dad had their own children. My mom would introduce the family this is so and so and we adopted her. I never knew what adoption meant, I just knew it set me apart and that I was different. I never knew why my mother did that, but as I get older the only conclusion I can come up with is that my siblings (their children) are old enough to be my parents. In fact, I have great nieces and nephews.
Growing up, I had a "normal" childhood. I think I went to church too much, which made me grow to hate it. I was on average a pretty well behaved child. Then something in me, changed. I don't know how and I don't know why. I started acting out. I was almost 17 years old and I had enough. I started dating older boys and I started getting physically involved with boys. I asked my mom for birth control and she said no. I gave my mom the most grief out of all my family. I said things like "why did you ever adopt me if you hate me so much," etc. She seemed to have never given up on me.
I did find and meet my biological mother, father and my siblings. My question for her was that of any normal adopted child..."why" and "did you want me?" If you wish to read more in depth about this, please read my blog, that I will write later, called, "Biological Family."
I was planning on a fun summer with my friend, Holly. We were planning on taking new diet pills and exercising a lot to get in shape. My cycle was 1 day late and its never late. So, as a fluke I said maybe I should take a test. I took one that night at her house and it said positive. I didn't know what to think or feel at the time. We called one of my best guy friends, who we only did it with once, because I thought he would be there for me. He told me to get an abortion. I cried and my friend gave him hell on the phone. So, I called my ex boyfriend and he told me that he would help me raise the baby no matter what. The next day I sat my parents down and told them I was pregnant. My mother did not believe me. My father didn't talk to me much for a few days. A week or so later, I went to the doctor with my mom for a check up and the doctor told her I was pregnant. Her jaw hit the floor.
This leads me into the life of another adoption, my son. I will use his birth name, since his name has been slightly changed after he was adopted by my sister (my adoptive mother's daughter). If you are interested in reading, please, read my next blog, titled, "The Adoption Of Gabrian."
~Adoption is not about unwanted babies, its about unwanted mothers~ Also, a good site to check out is http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/index.html
Hello, readers, fans, and curious folks. My name is Amanda and I am 25 years old. I have/had 5 children. I had a tubal ligation at only 23 years old, that I now regret. I am going to blog my life story and it mostly centers around adoption and choices. I believe I am 100% responsible for my choices. A wise brother once told me, "Amanda, the decisions you make now are going to effect you the rest of your life," I was 17 years old then. Too stupid to listen, but after all the heart ache, right and wrong decision making, I am still here.
I was adopted by my parents (whom I will not name, due to their privacy) when I was 2.5years old. I do not remember being adopted. What I was told was I was in the foster care system and taken away from my biological parents, because my mother could not take care of me properly. I found out I was adopted, because my mom and dad had their own children. My mom would introduce the family this is so and so and we adopted her. I never knew what adoption meant, I just knew it set me apart and that I was different. I never knew why my mother did that, but as I get older the only conclusion I can come up with is that my siblings (their children) are old enough to be my parents. In fact, I have great nieces and nephews.
Growing up, I had a "normal" childhood. I think I went to church too much, which made me grow to hate it. I was on average a pretty well behaved child. Then something in me, changed. I don't know how and I don't know why. I started acting out. I was almost 17 years old and I had enough. I started dating older boys and I started getting physically involved with boys. I asked my mom for birth control and she said no. I gave my mom the most grief out of all my family. I said things like "why did you ever adopt me if you hate me so much," etc. She seemed to have never given up on me.
I did find and meet my biological mother, father and my siblings. My question for her was that of any normal adopted child..."why" and "did you want me?" If you wish to read more in depth about this, please read my blog, that I will write later, called, "Biological Family."
I was planning on a fun summer with my friend, Holly. We were planning on taking new diet pills and exercising a lot to get in shape. My cycle was 1 day late and its never late. So, as a fluke I said maybe I should take a test. I took one that night at her house and it said positive. I didn't know what to think or feel at the time. We called one of my best guy friends, who we only did it with once, because I thought he would be there for me. He told me to get an abortion. I cried and my friend gave him hell on the phone. So, I called my ex boyfriend and he told me that he would help me raise the baby no matter what. The next day I sat my parents down and told them I was pregnant. My mother did not believe me. My father didn't talk to me much for a few days. A week or so later, I went to the doctor with my mom for a check up and the doctor told her I was pregnant. Her jaw hit the floor.
This leads me into the life of another adoption, my son. I will use his birth name, since his name has been slightly changed after he was adopted by my sister (my adoptive mother's daughter). If you are interested in reading, please, read my next blog, titled, "The Adoption Of Gabrian."
~Adoption is not about unwanted babies, its about unwanted mothers~ Also, a good site to check out is http://www.exiledmothers.com/speaking_out/index.html
*Ugly Truths Of A Tubal*
If you are following along with my blogs, thus far, then you have probably no question in your mind as to why I decided to have a tubal ligation in 2010. I was only 23 yrs old then and it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Here are some pieces of advice they won't give you, before you get it done...
1. Someday, in the future, say 3-5 years or so when you meet, the right guy for you and you two may want children.. it costs about $8,000 to get a tubal reversed and there is no guarantee that you can have another baby. Insurance will not pay for this. You must pay this BEFORE the doctor does the procedure.
2. No one tells you that it will make you feel like less of a woman. Like you can't do exactly what nature intended you to do. Like you can't do exactly what you were put on Earth to do as a woman.
3.No one will tell you when you get "baby fever" that every baby you see, makes you sad. Makes you feel in adequate. Makes you jealous of other moms. Makes you hate moms, who you deem, as not worthy of their babies.
4. No one tells you that you will still have your menstrual cycle. And it messes it up, bad. So sometimes you are early, sometimes you are late, etc.
5.If you are married and think that 100% for sure you don't want anymore kids, still don't do it. Because unfortunately sometimes people get divorced and re married and may or may not want another child.
6.Sometimes when you get gas, you also get hopeful that you are miraculously pregnant. Sorry just isn't likely.
7. I guess no one prepared me for the mental torment it could give me one day. I just said well, I am 23, with 5 kids and probably 0 chance of meeting Mr.Right, so I give up. I wish they would have just given me the shot or the IUD or something else, anything else.
8. Look up Tubal Ligation Syndrome on google. It is possible and I have these symptoms sometimes too.
Thanks for reading.
1. Someday, in the future, say 3-5 years or so when you meet, the right guy for you and you two may want children.. it costs about $8,000 to get a tubal reversed and there is no guarantee that you can have another baby. Insurance will not pay for this. You must pay this BEFORE the doctor does the procedure.
2. No one tells you that it will make you feel like less of a woman. Like you can't do exactly what nature intended you to do. Like you can't do exactly what you were put on Earth to do as a woman.
3.No one will tell you when you get "baby fever" that every baby you see, makes you sad. Makes you feel in adequate. Makes you jealous of other moms. Makes you hate moms, who you deem, as not worthy of their babies.
4. No one tells you that you will still have your menstrual cycle. And it messes it up, bad. So sometimes you are early, sometimes you are late, etc.
5.If you are married and think that 100% for sure you don't want anymore kids, still don't do it. Because unfortunately sometimes people get divorced and re married and may or may not want another child.
6.Sometimes when you get gas, you also get hopeful that you are miraculously pregnant. Sorry just isn't likely.
7. I guess no one prepared me for the mental torment it could give me one day. I just said well, I am 23, with 5 kids and probably 0 chance of meeting Mr.Right, so I give up. I wish they would have just given me the shot or the IUD or something else, anything else.
8. Look up Tubal Ligation Syndrome on google. It is possible and I have these symptoms sometimes too.
Thanks for reading.
*Excerpts From Vanessa's Notebook*
My last notebook is for Vanessa, my youngest child. I gave her dad full custody after fighting with him in court for 2 years. He is a horrible person, not just to me. This notebook is to her. This is the last notebook, I will have to write in, because I had a tubal ligation in 2010, at the age of 23, shortly after she was born. To read my views and what no one tells you, read my post, called.."Ugly Truths Of A Tubal." But, for now, sit back, get your coffee or tea and enjoy.
9-3-2011
"I love you. I miss you. You are pretty like a little doll. I have so many photos of you. I have never stopped thinking about you..."
6-3-2012
"I wanted to come see you on your birthday, last month. Your dad said, yes at first, but asked me to call him back in a couple of days. When I called him back, he said it was too late..."
9-1-2012
"I miss you. I talked to your real grandmother on the phone yesterday. She is doing okay, but she misses you. I asked your dad if I could come see you. He said no and that he was busy..."
9-25-2012
"I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see you. You are so precious. Your grandmother stays in contact with me periodically, but she hasn't seen you since the last time I brought you up to see her back in June 2011..."
10-11-2012
"I tried to keep asking your dad to come see you. He keeps saying he is busy..."
1-6-2013
"Hello doll. i hope you are doing okay. Sorry for all the complaining about your father. I hope you are doing okay..."
9-3-2011
"I love you. I miss you. You are pretty like a little doll. I have so many photos of you. I have never stopped thinking about you..."
6-3-2012
"I wanted to come see you on your birthday, last month. Your dad said, yes at first, but asked me to call him back in a couple of days. When I called him back, he said it was too late..."
9-1-2012
"I miss you. I talked to your real grandmother on the phone yesterday. She is doing okay, but she misses you. I asked your dad if I could come see you. He said no and that he was busy..."
9-25-2012
"I love you. I miss you. I wish I could see you. You are so precious. Your grandmother stays in contact with me periodically, but she hasn't seen you since the last time I brought you up to see her back in June 2011..."
10-11-2012
"I tried to keep asking your dad to come see you. He keeps saying he is busy..."
1-6-2013
"Hello doll. i hope you are doing okay. Sorry for all the complaining about your father. I hope you are doing okay..."
*Excerpts From Ranee's Notebook*
Ranee' is my little one, that I am currently raising. I am writing to her in a notebook, so she doesn't feel left out. She knows the notebook is her and insists on having me trace her cute little hand on it and coloring on it. Its almost going to be a book about her life and legacy. Here are some excerpts from her book...
09-1-2012
"Your notebook is different than your siblings.. not written in as much, because I, with the help of your grandparents and daddy, am raising you. I started this notebook, so you won't feel left out..."
9-25-2012
"You are going to pre school and you love it. You know all your colors, good job!..."
10-11-2012
"I had to have a talk with your teacher the other day. You bit a child on the finger. When I asked you why... you said, "She was in my space, taking my toy." You talk so big for your age. You have such spunk and you are so adorable..."
11-11-2012
"Sweetie pie. You keep trying to write in this notebook, because you know it is yours..."
09-1-2012
"Your notebook is different than your siblings.. not written in as much, because I, with the help of your grandparents and daddy, am raising you. I started this notebook, so you won't feel left out..."
9-25-2012
"You are going to pre school and you love it. You know all your colors, good job!..."
10-11-2012
"I had to have a talk with your teacher the other day. You bit a child on the finger. When I asked you why... you said, "She was in my space, taking my toy." You talk so big for your age. You have such spunk and you are so adorable..."
11-11-2012
"Sweetie pie. You keep trying to write in this notebook, because you know it is yours..."
*Excerpts From Ashlyn's Notebook*
If you are keeping up with my story, you will see that Ashlyn is with my ex husband. I gave up custody after lots of hard times. It is still painful to this day. His new wife has completely shoved me out of her life. I went through post pardon depression. And they have recently moved to the other side of the US. I keep a notebook for her, in case she ever hears about me, wants the truth, and wants to know why...
7-1-2008
"I love you baby girl! You were at my house over the weekend. We played with Gabrian, ILM, and your cousins, they were so glad to see you! You are growing so big. You are such a doll. You are only an inch shorter than ILM. I am going to take you to the fireworks Friday and daddy is taking you Saturday..."
8-16-2008
"I've been getting you most weekends. Your growing so good. I'm so proud of you.."
10-26-2008
" I keep dreaming about you. I miss you. I miss holding you at night and rocking you to sleep. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you. Why did I sign those papers, so L could adopt you? I would love to blame your dad, but its not his fault. I wasn't strong enough and I didn't think I was good enough..."
12-20-2008
"Daddy changed his number, so now I can't ask about you anymore. I hope you are doing okay. I really miss you. Christmas is coming soon..."
2-9-2009
"I thought a lot about you today. I had to talk to your daddy about our divorce. He's marrying your new mommy, in June. I wish I could visit you and see you. I miss you so MUCH!..."
8-30-2010
"I love you. I'm fighting in court Friday for visitation with you. I'm tired of being bullied into thinking, "I'm not good enough," to be your mom. I love you and I am good enough. I never stop thinking about you or loving you..."
3-6-2011
"You are no longer, legally my daughter. But to me..in every sense you are. I tried to fight for you so you could know me and your sisters. I was seeing you, for a while at your house. It was too painful. Your dad didn't allow me to tell you that I was your mother. In his eyes, I never way. I was even okay with telling you that you were lucky enough to have 2 mommies, who loved you. It was like I was right there with you and for you, but I couldn't be your mom. We even drew a picture of family together that I wanted to keep, but your new step mom, wouldn't let me have it. I stood in court, alone. Your dad brought 2 whole rows of his family to look down upon me. I remember telling the Judge how I was being alienated from you. But even he said I couldn't tell you I was your om. I gave up. I let your step mother..."
09-3-2011
"Hey. Are you doing okay? You are the hardest one of my children to write to. I just feel bad and don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you. I must have had that pregnancy depression right after I had you. Sometimes women get it and don't know about it until later. I was scared to hold you..."
1-6-2013
"Hello angel. How was your New Years? Good, I hope. I have found some new pictures of you..."
7-1-2008
"I love you baby girl! You were at my house over the weekend. We played with Gabrian, ILM, and your cousins, they were so glad to see you! You are growing so big. You are such a doll. You are only an inch shorter than ILM. I am going to take you to the fireworks Friday and daddy is taking you Saturday..."
8-16-2008
"I've been getting you most weekends. Your growing so good. I'm so proud of you.."
10-26-2008
" I keep dreaming about you. I miss you. I miss holding you at night and rocking you to sleep. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you. Why did I sign those papers, so L could adopt you? I would love to blame your dad, but its not his fault. I wasn't strong enough and I didn't think I was good enough..."
12-20-2008
"Daddy changed his number, so now I can't ask about you anymore. I hope you are doing okay. I really miss you. Christmas is coming soon..."
2-9-2009
"I thought a lot about you today. I had to talk to your daddy about our divorce. He's marrying your new mommy, in June. I wish I could visit you and see you. I miss you so MUCH!..."
8-30-2010
"I love you. I'm fighting in court Friday for visitation with you. I'm tired of being bullied into thinking, "I'm not good enough," to be your mom. I love you and I am good enough. I never stop thinking about you or loving you..."
3-6-2011
"You are no longer, legally my daughter. But to me..in every sense you are. I tried to fight for you so you could know me and your sisters. I was seeing you, for a while at your house. It was too painful. Your dad didn't allow me to tell you that I was your mother. In his eyes, I never way. I was even okay with telling you that you were lucky enough to have 2 mommies, who loved you. It was like I was right there with you and for you, but I couldn't be your mom. We even drew a picture of family together that I wanted to keep, but your new step mom, wouldn't let me have it. I stood in court, alone. Your dad brought 2 whole rows of his family to look down upon me. I remember telling the Judge how I was being alienated from you. But even he said I couldn't tell you I was your om. I gave up. I let your step mother..."
09-3-2011
"Hey. Are you doing okay? You are the hardest one of my children to write to. I just feel bad and don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you. I must have had that pregnancy depression right after I had you. Sometimes women get it and don't know about it until later. I was scared to hold you..."
1-6-2013
"Hello angel. How was your New Years? Good, I hope. I have found some new pictures of you..."
*Excerpts From ILM's Notebook*
If you guys have been keeping up with me, then you will know that my brother and sister-in-law adopted ILM. You will have also found out that I keep a notebook for her. In case, like me, she one days wants to find me and wants to know...why? Here are a few excerpts from her notebook...
6-1-2008
"Angel, princess...I love you more than anything in the world. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. You are 2 years old right now and you have so much charisma. You are so pretty. I am writing this to tell you about your biological family and to let you know I love you. Please don't feel rejected by me.."
6-4-2008
"I miss you. I want to tell you something about boys: 1 Never settle for anyone 2. Set boundaries for yourself and keep them 3.Never let a man put you down. You are priceless and brilliant..."
6-12-2008
" Hi. I miss you. I came home today and went swimming at your house with you. You didn't want me to leave it made me sad. I love you a LOT! There is no way you are going to forget me..."
6-21-2008
"I love you. I miss you. I don't think I will be coming to see you anymore. I don't belong with the (last name of my family) and I guess I never really did. They seem to love you...NOT as much as I love you in my heart, because no one could possibly love you this much..."
7-1-2008
"I guess I was a little upset in my last entry. I couldn't write off my family. I have to see you. I love you. I saw you yesterday and you are growing up so good!..."
10-26-2008
"Its been a long time since I have written you. I'm sorry and not just, because I haven't written you. I'm sorry that I didn't feel good enough to be your mom. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I love you. I haven't seen you in a long time..."
12-20-08
" I held you in the van the other day on the way to Grandma M&M's. You snuggled into me and I cried. I miss you so VERY MUCH! I'll never get over the pain of not having you and I will never stop loving you. You are going to do great things someday..."
4-24-2009
"Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl. You are so smart and happy. I miss you every second of everyday, but especially on your birthday. You are my princess. My first little girl. Your eyes light up a room. You have so MUCH charisma..."
5-26-2009
"My beautiful drama queen... I played with you and Gabrian at your cousin's engagement party. You are just a doll baby! Your so full of love and life. I started this out, "my drama queen," because your cup cake fell apart and you wigged out. It was the cutest thing ever. I carried you at the party, you are so fond of me. I was worried that you had forgotten how much I love you. It was fun spinning you and Gabrian in the yard..."
9-3-2011
"How are you? I am angry and sad. When your mom adopted you she said I could see you anytime. But I really can't. I am not welcome there..."
9-25-2012
"How are you doing? I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I wish I had more to write to you about. I wish I could see you more. I feel shut out of your life. I'm happy you get to grow up around your brother. Between you and I, I think he knows you are his sister. He talks about you and seems close to you..."
6-1-2008
"Angel, princess...I love you more than anything in the world. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about you. You are 2 years old right now and you have so much charisma. You are so pretty. I am writing this to tell you about your biological family and to let you know I love you. Please don't feel rejected by me.."
6-4-2008
"I miss you. I want to tell you something about boys: 1 Never settle for anyone 2. Set boundaries for yourself and keep them 3.Never let a man put you down. You are priceless and brilliant..."
6-12-2008
" Hi. I miss you. I came home today and went swimming at your house with you. You didn't want me to leave it made me sad. I love you a LOT! There is no way you are going to forget me..."
6-21-2008
"I love you. I miss you. I don't think I will be coming to see you anymore. I don't belong with the (last name of my family) and I guess I never really did. They seem to love you...NOT as much as I love you in my heart, because no one could possibly love you this much..."
7-1-2008
"I guess I was a little upset in my last entry. I couldn't write off my family. I have to see you. I love you. I saw you yesterday and you are growing up so good!..."
10-26-2008
"Its been a long time since I have written you. I'm sorry and not just, because I haven't written you. I'm sorry that I didn't feel good enough to be your mom. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I love you. I haven't seen you in a long time..."
12-20-08
" I held you in the van the other day on the way to Grandma M&M's. You snuggled into me and I cried. I miss you so VERY MUCH! I'll never get over the pain of not having you and I will never stop loving you. You are going to do great things someday..."
4-24-2009
"Happy 3rd Birthday baby girl. You are so smart and happy. I miss you every second of everyday, but especially on your birthday. You are my princess. My first little girl. Your eyes light up a room. You have so MUCH charisma..."
5-26-2009
"My beautiful drama queen... I played with you and Gabrian at your cousin's engagement party. You are just a doll baby! Your so full of love and life. I started this out, "my drama queen," because your cup cake fell apart and you wigged out. It was the cutest thing ever. I carried you at the party, you are so fond of me. I was worried that you had forgotten how much I love you. It was fun spinning you and Gabrian in the yard..."
9-3-2011
"How are you? I am angry and sad. When your mom adopted you she said I could see you anytime. But I really can't. I am not welcome there..."
9-25-2012
"How are you doing? I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I wish I had more to write to you about. I wish I could see you more. I feel shut out of your life. I'm happy you get to grow up around your brother. Between you and I, I think he knows you are his sister. He talks about you and seems close to you..."
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